[url]http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/[/url]

Re: Better than fmylife

(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next? (318): Alcohol? (601): Sex with a fat chick.

Re: Better than fmylife

"I dont' make mistakes, just understandable bad choices.":lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

14): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum? (773): jesus mom

My face is hurting from laughing :lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

(717): dude, she has braces (240): i meant the dude w the ponytail. (717): i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.

Re: Better than fmylife

(303): How was Boulder? (720): We're still here. We can't find _____. (303): How'd you lose him? (720): He ate a bag of Molly, wondered off, and keeps calling saying he's at the zoo feeding the tigers (720): The zoo is 60 miles away and we called just to be sure - they don't let people feed the tigers

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: Yeah, i think she was German or something. (1-405): No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.[/QUOTE]

:lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced.[/QUOTE]

:roflmao:

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it[/QUOTE]

brilliant!

Re: Better than fmylife

That was a good one :lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeedddddd

Re: Better than fmylife

(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

(321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot.

15-20 minutes?

Man he's got bad porn.

Re: Better than fmylife

some quality texts there :lol::lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

:shock:

(443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

:D hahahahaha

Re: Better than fmylife

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

:lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

winner

Re: Better than fmylife

^hilarious!

Re: Better than fmylife

quote: Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. [/quote]quote: he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.[/quote][quote] (603): Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station. (1-603): The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS. [/quote]quote: I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life. [/quote] can relate :lol:

quote: dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
[/quote]bobjuice and shiva had too much curry that night ;)

Re: Better than fmylife

Ewwww...

(403): let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.

Re: Better than fmylife

:lol:

quote: his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?[/quote]

QUOTE: theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it[/QUOTE]

Re: Better than fmylife

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

quote: guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.[/quote]

:lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

ouch!!!

(312): kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

EPIC!

(972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop.

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: meow (1-402): WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.[/QUOTE]

QUOTE: dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine [/QUOTE] WTF?

QUOTE: I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off! (1-703): I see a marketing opportunity [/QUOTE] Ask Monica Lewinski...she might know

Re: Better than fmylife

quote: he said i'm too pretty to suck penis [/quote] sounds like a successful reverse-psy to use on a broad lol

quote: Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care [/quote]this is win

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.[/QUOTE]

rofl

Re: Better than fmylife

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Re: Better than fmylife

(323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Re: Better than fmylife

(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

Best one yet!

Re: Better than fmylife

QUOTE: I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was. [/QUOTE]

:roflmao:

Re: Better than fmylife

^ lol

QUOTE: Her vagina smelled like hockey gear. [/QUOTE]

wow

QUOTE: I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart[/QUOTE]

this

Re: Better than fmylife

^so true, lol...that game is infuriating to get beat at for whatever reason :lol: :lol: nice find

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[quote] (706): Did we have sex last night? (1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.[/quote]

:what

quote: I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do? (505): The responsible thing...show them the break room.[/quote]

:twisted:

Re: Better than fmylife

(310): you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

Re: Better than fmylife

(802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it (802): and i pooped them out

That's just cold. :lol:

(406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

(563): you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

She's definitely hot in the Angelina Jolie-scale.

Re: Better than fmylife

(630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Re: Better than fmylife

^^ wow!

Re: Better than fmylife

(612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?!

and.........

(520): she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Re: Better than fmylife

i don't know why i found this epicly funny. but i did :lol:

quote: Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery. [/quote]