Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=GAVIN.MCAVOY;737189]Altzheimers protest march.................

''What do we want?''.........

''Fuck knows''

''When do we want it?''.........

'Want what?''[/quote]

:)

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;738229]An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?' The daughter replies: They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?[/quote]

so wrong!!! :what

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

In the sleepy village of Erbum,near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire,lives a woman called Sue Lykes.She is the land-lady of the local pub,The Cock Inn.All her mail is addressed to: Sue Lykes The Cock Inn Erbum Tillet Herts

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

You got some funny jokes Gavin.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=GAVIN.MCAVOY;740394]In the sleepy village of Erbum,near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire,lives a woman called Sue Lykes.She is the land-lady of the local pub,The Cock Inn.All her mail is addressed to: Sue Lykes The Cock Inn Erbum Tillet Herts[/quote]

That's some funny shit :D

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[B]A new shampoo for ladies has just been put on worldwide release.[/B] [B]The ingredients are :marijuana,[/B] [B] anti-perspirant,[/B] [B] kentucky fried chicken.[/B] [B]Apparently it leaves your fanny high,dry and finger lickin good:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:[/B]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=MJ;737301]Yesterday my Mrs said she wanted a rape alarm, so being the perfect partner I am I granted her wish.

At 6.30 am this morning I tied her hands behind her back, taped her mouth shut and fucked her up the arse. Then I whispered in her ear "It's time to get up honey"[/quote]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Chelsea are going to be sponsored by viagra next season, a spokesman said they are willing to try anything to get past a semi.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news.

Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 men are in a bar,one of them decides to have a go on the bucking bronco machine. He gathers quite a crowd round him as he lasts over ten minutes. 'Geez mate that was fucking impressive!' says one of the crowd. 'I get lots of practice' he replies 'my wifes epileptic!'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A family is driving along behind a garbage truck when suddenly a dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits the windscreen.The little boy in the back asks 'what was that?' Embarrassed and to spare her sons innocence the mother says 'dont worry son it was just an insect.' To which her son replies 'im not surprised it couldnt get far off the ground with a dick like that!'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What's not your cheese?

Nacho cheese

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=GAVIN.MCAVOY;728368]2 blokes are chatting in a pub. 1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night' 2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?' 1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'[/quote]

:roflmao:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

and the award goes to :lol:

[quote=Huggie Smiles;721295]

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

---

[/quote]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I'm going to hell for laughing :roflmao:

[quote=fyrestarter;723266] Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub? A: Throw in a load of laundry.[/quote]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

u havent checked this thread in a while! :roll: :lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy walks into a bar with a crab under his arm and says, "Do you sell crab cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What do 54,000 uk women who suffer domestic violence every year have in common?

They dont fucking listen!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An alcoholic walks into a hardware store and asks of buy a bottle of meths.The shopkeeper says 'Im not selling you that,i've seen you sitting in the park and i know you're an alcho.You'll just drink it.'

The bloke says 'No i've just started my own decorating business and i need it for my work.People won't let me forget i used to be a drunk.I've turned my life around,but i'll always be seen as that drunkard,no matter how hard i work.'

The shopkeeper says 'I'm so sorry.All right,here's your bottle of meths.'

The bloke says 'Sorry,but you would'nt have a cold one would you.'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;750993]A guy walks into a bar with a crab under his arm and says, "Do you sell crab cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday.[/quote]

:roflmao:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[LIST] [*]Some (old) one-liners from the late great tommy cooper :lol: [/LIST]

[LIST] []Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. []I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. []Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. []Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. []A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.' []A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' []I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. []Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners []'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.' []I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite. []I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' []I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids! [/LIST]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2e9mIj32Bgs[/YOUTUBE]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I remember watching him die on stage -

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Huggie Smiles;751804]I remember watching him die on stage -[/quote]

I know - people even laughed at that eh? funny fuckin bloke :RightOn:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

holy shit,ive just found out i have budgie flu. its not as bad as swine flu. its tweetable!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

thick walls,plenty of space,naked kids,no consequences!!!

carlsberg dont do homosexual paedophile rapist colonies with an unlimited supply of virgin boys....

but the catholic church does...

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

:lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:^^

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[QUOTE=GAVIN.MCAVOY;752095]thick walls,plenty of space,naked kids,no consequences!!!

carlsberg dont do homosexual paedophile rapist colonies with an unlimited supply of virgin boys....

but the catholic church does...[/QUOTE]That's not actually funny.

[QUOTE]The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."[/QUOTE] But that was :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear..
   Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one! Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
   Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
   Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
   Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered… ‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’ Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’ Submitted by RN, no name AND FINALLY…
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
   Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

When visitors go the courthouse in St. Lucie, FL they must surrender their personal items for inspection.Clinton J. Gordon, pictured, went to the courthouse Tuesday and surprised the security checkpoint guard [I]by allegedly placing his marijuana pipe in the tray[/I].

[IMG]http://blog.trutv.com/.a/6a00d83451d24369e201156f6a3e64970c-200wi[/IMG]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two gay men are walking down the street, and one decides to kick a can he sees on the ground.

Smoke comes out from the can and a genie appears. "Thank you for releasing me from my can. I will grant you 3 wishes."

The first gay man says, "okay, I want a HUGE mansion, decorated in all white and everything furnished." "Okay," says the genie, and poof!

The gay men appear in front of a mansion.

The second gay man says, "okay, for our second wish, I want two matching Lincoln Towncars, all white with white interior and fully loaded." Poof! Two cars, made to order.

For the third wish, one of the gay men walks up and whispers something into the genie's ear. "I'll be back at 7 PM." 7 PM rolls around and there's a knock on the door.

Both men are excited, and when they open the door, there is a group of Klu Klux Klan members on their front lawn. "What the fuck did you wish?" says the first man. "I just wished to be hung like a black man!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=KinKyJ;431310]Lemme get high and then read this thread again...[/quote]

haha. I found it funny ;)

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man is walking across a bridge when he finds a young girl about to jump off, she tells him to not try and stop her.

So he says "OK, but Can I have a blowjob?"

Surprisingly she agrees and gets on with it.

"Wow" he says "That is one amazing talent going to waste there, why would you want to jump for?"

She replies "because my Mom and Dad hate me dressing up as a girl ".

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^haha

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Good news for adventurous tourists: Book a flight with Air France now and you could win the chance to see the Titanic!

---

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for five dollars. His father replies, "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"

---

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store, asks for an ice cream. Dude says "Sure, what flavour?" Michael J Fox tells him "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to fucking drop it anyway".

---

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife is in bed. Man: Hey honey, I'd like to introduce you to the pig I've been fucking. Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep. Man: I wasn't talking to you.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.

The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublinto wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekkin' towel!'