HorizonForumsone horizon
Log inSign up

[ms] · Est. May 2002

Music madethis place,we just kept itgoing...

One durable person. One social graph. Many communities—and every way people speak, share, listen, write, gather and remember.

Forums / General Yakkity Yak

A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

698 durable postsStarted 2007-01-09Latest 2022-03-11
#1168799Post 281 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, “Come on in.” Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, “Are you the people who broke my window?” The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. “Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Fantastic!” says the husband. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” says the genie, “it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?” “I want a house in every country in the world,” says the wife. “Consider it done,” the genie replies, turning back to the man. “And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.” The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either.” The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, “How old is your husband, anyway?” “Thirty-five,” she replies. “And he still believes in genies?”

#1172033Post 282 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Im not a great fan of sausages,but those german ones are the wurst!

#1172046Post 283 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^ oh ffs :)

#1172353Post 284 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man shouts downstairs to his wife 'can you come up here and give me a hand with this clock?' When she gets up the stairs he's standing there naked with a massive hard on. She says 'thats not a clock.' He replies 'it will be when you get 2 hands and a face on it!':lol:

#1172355Post 285 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy suspects his girl of seeping around,so he buys a gun and goes to her flat. Sure enough,he catches her shagging another guy..... Overcome with rage and despair he points the gun at his own head. 'Darling no! she screams. 'Shut the fuck up!' paddy says 'you and that bastard are next!'

#1172683Post 286 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball? -she gagged.

#1172874Post 287 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON..

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow said. “Just look at you! You have no legs!”

The old gentleman smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed??”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

#1172941Post 288 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOL!!:lol::lol::lol:

#1172945Post 289 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A dwarf pulls in a bar & tells the chick that he can give her the ride of her life.Curiously she takes him home with her & before she knows it shes lying on the bed screaming in ecstacy.She says to the dwarf 'your amazing!' The dwarf replies 'thats nothin love,just wait til i get theother leg in!'

#1181373Post 290 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said. "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather, eh?" and I thought "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said "Hey, great weather!".

#1181376Post 291 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

ripped from tmb

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

and that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

#1181492Post 292 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ very good

#1181586Post 293 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Excellent stuff :D

#1181768Post 294 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

good stuff huggie!!

#1183051Post 295 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having great sex the other day when just as we got towards the climax my girlfriend completely ruined the moment and said those three little words that just fills a mans heart with fear...

"Honey, I'm home"

#1183084Post 296 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Huggie Smiles;723192]I was having great sex the other day when just as we got towards the climax my girlfriend completely ruined the moment and said those three little words that just fills a mans heart with fear...

"Honey, I'm home"[/quote]

Awesome :)

#1183087Post 297 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Husband, wife and kid are in bed and mum is alseep. Kids says to his dad; "Dad, what the difference between a pussy and a cunt'?

So the dad lifts up the covers, points at his wife's privates and says "that Son is a pussy".

The Kids then says "Dad can I touch it"? So Dad puts his finger to his lips and says "Shhh or youll wake the cunt up"..

#1183118Post 298 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Q: What is the difference between Micheal Phelps and Hitler? A: At least Phelps could finish a race.

Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub? A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: What's the funniest kind of Pole? A: Polio.

Q: Why can't Michael J Fox kill himself? A: He cant hold the gun straight.

#1183119Post 299 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;723266]Q: What is the difference between Micheal Phelps and Hitler? A: At least Phelps could finish a race.

Q: What do you do if someone is having a seizure in a bathtub? A: Throw in a load of laundry.

Q: What's the funniest kind of Pole? A: Polio.

Q: Why can't Michael J Fox kill himself? A: He cant hold the gun straight.[/quote]

:roflmao:

#1183133Post 300 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

So yesterday was my mother in law's birthday and i didnt get her a present. Last year i bought her a cemetery plot, and since she hasnt used it yet i figured why get her something this year? I explained this to my wife and then the fight started.


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started.....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

#1183135Post 301 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;723283]so yesterday was my mother in law's birthday and i didnt get her a present. Last year i bought her a cemetery plot, and since she hasnt used it yet i figured why get her something this year? I explained this to my wife and then the fight started.


my wife sat down on the couch next to me as i was flipping channels. She asked, 'what's on tv?' i said, 'dust.'

and then the fight started...


i rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well i couldn't believe it.... He was a dwarf!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "i am not happy !!!"

so, i looked down at him and said, "well, then which one are you?"

and then the fight started.....


i tried to talk my wife into buying a case of miller light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


my wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. And then the fight started.....


a man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'holy crap. That must be my husband!' so the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'i am your husband!' the woman yelled back, 'yeah, then why were you running?' and then the fight started.....


i asked my wife, "where do you want to go for our anniversary?" it warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "somewhere i haven't been in a long time!" she said. So i suggested, "how about the kitchen?" and that's when the fight started....[/quote]

qft

#1184693Post 302 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down.The parents stop and his mum dismounts,pulling the covers rond her. 'What were you and dad doing?' The boy asks his mum. 'Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes i have to get on top of it to help try and flatten it.' she explains. 'Your wasting your time' says the boy.'When you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.'

#1184710Post 303 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.........that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'

#1184729Post 304 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^ :lol:

#1184901Post 305 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba-divers fall off their boats backwards?' To which Murphy replies 'You thick cunt paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat.'

#1189862Post 306 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=GAVIN.MCAVOY;725253]Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba-divers fall off their boats backwards?' To which Murphy replies 'You thick cunt paddy,if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat.'[/quote]

:lol:

#1190114Post 307 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over.
Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID Ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Jaden grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it Out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

#1190156Post 308 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ Like the picnic error-Problem in chair, not in computer.

#1190476Post 309 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 blokes are chatting in a pub. 1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night' 2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?' 1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'

#1190479Post 310 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What did Jesus say to his twelve apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

Don't any of you bastards touch my fucking easter eggs,il b back on monday!

#1192878Post 311 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

tom chaplin of the band keane said that they are the new pink floyd.all because they done show that you can watch in 3d:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

aye right!

#1193219Post 312 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=GAVIN.MCAVOY;728368]2 blokes are chatting in a pub. 1st bloke says 'i pulled and shagged twins last night' 2nd bloke says 'nice one mate,but how did you tell them apart?' 1st bloke eplies 'that was easy her brother had a beard'[/quote]

Stellar:p:D:D

#1199729Post 313 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Tahoma][B]Subject:[/B] How to speak about men and be politically correct[/FONT]

  1. We do not have a BEER GUT - We have developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

  2. We are not BAD DANCERS - We are OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

  3. We do not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - We INVESTIGATE ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

  4. We are not BALDING - We are in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

  5. We are not CRADLE SNATCHERS - We prefer GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

  6. We do not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - We become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

  7. We do not act like a TOTAL ARSE - We develop a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

  8. We are not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - We have SWINE EMPATHY.

  9. We are not afraid of COMMITMENT - We are just MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

  10. It’s not our “CRACK” you see hanging out of our pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”

#1199734Post 314 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;725009]A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.........that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'[/quote]

Awesome. 8)

#1200748Post 315 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes. She said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?” She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!” She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!” Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?” Once more she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here.” Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . .”

#1201203Post 316 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Altzheimers protest march.................

''What do we want?''.........

''Fuck knows''

''When do we want it?''.........

'Want what?''

#1201204Post 317 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A dyslexic kid ask his mum if he can have a Mc Donalds.

She says 'certainly son,if you can spell it.'

He replies 'fuck it il just have a K.C.F.'

#1201303Post 318 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Yesterday my Mrs said she wanted a rape alarm, so being the perfect partner I am I granted her wish.

At 6.30 am this morning I tied her hands behind her back, taped her mouth shut and fucked her up the arse. Then I whispered in her ear "It's time to get up honey"

#1204994Post 319 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her Mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes, Why do you ask?' The daughter replies: They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

#1205229Post 320 of 698

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=gavin.mcavoy;737189]altzheimers protest march.................

''what do we want?''.........

''fuck knows''

''when do we want it?''.........

'want what?''[/quote]

:d:d:d

Log in to reply