Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana]A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out. At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!" [/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana]There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"[/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana]These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g, h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"[/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana]Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."[/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana]Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.” [/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything? Witness: After the accident? Lawyer: Before the accident. Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you. Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can''t remember which. Lawyer: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Lawyer: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? Witness: We both do. Lawyer: Voodoo? Witness: We do. Lawyer: You do? Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth? Witness: July fifteenth. Lawyer: What year? Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? Witness: Yes, sir. Lawyer: What did she say? Witness: She said ''What disco am I at?''

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? Witness: I went to Europe, Sir. Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: How many were boys? Witness: None. Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget things. Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Apparently when Michael Jacksons family and friends went to check and see if he was ok theywent to his room and they found him face down on his bedroom floor and appeared to be lookin under his bed. They left him alone for over an hour because they thought he was just looking for his other glove:Mike:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=fyrestarter;758496]Good news for adventurous tourists: Book a flight with Air France now and you could win the chance to see the Titanic!

---

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks him for five dollars. His father replies, "four dollars? what do you need three dollars for?"

---

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream store, asks for an ice cream. Dude says "Sure, what flavour?" Michael J Fox tells him "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to fucking drop it anyway".

---

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Wife is in bed. Man: Hey honey, I'd like to introduce you to the pig I've been fucking. Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep. Man: I wasn't talking to you.[/quote]

Excellent stuff :lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Top Ten American Jokes - Reader's Digest

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Ghostly Music[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Crime and Punishment[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]A Dog's Life[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Conflict[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]New Lease on Life[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great![/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"So what happened?"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Vow of Silence[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Talking Dog[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Making Sure[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Power of Perception[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[IMG]http://drewk.org/misc/beachBalls.jpg[/IMG]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Blondes in the bus Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

:Smiley:

[QUOTE=ace_dl;767540][B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]A Dog's Life[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]Talking Dog[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [/quote]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man is driving a car and he hits a woman.

Q: Who's fault was it? A: The man's. What was he doing driving in the kitchen?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique....a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So I'm in my room, in the hotel where I'm well known, and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man walks into his job and tells his best friend, man I'm constipated as hell I think I'm gonna have to go to the hospital.

His friend says ain't that something you can take of over the counter like with some pepto or malox?

He says no man it's to bad! So he goes to the hospital and the doctor says man your full of shit, I'm gonna have to give you a suppository!

The man says what's that? The doctor says it's these pellets I have to stick up your ass. So the man says do what you gotta do doc!

So he has the man bend over the table and he shoves the suppository up his ass. The man screams Oh! Shit!

The doctor says take the rest of these and have your wife give them to you. So the man gets home and says, baby I need you to give me these suppositories. I'll bend over and you stick one up my ass.

So he bends over and she puts one hand on his shoulder and shoves it up his ass. He screams Oh! Shit! His wife says baby are you OK? He says, I just remembered the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

....

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=etincelles;775178]A busty blond woman was seated next to a huge man on an airplane. Seeing that there were several first-class seats empty, the blond gathered herself and went to sit in the first-class area.

The stewardess approaches and says: "Excuse me, ma'am, the first-class seats are only for patrons who purchased a first-class ticket" to which the blond replies: "I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

Frustrated, the stewardess gathers a Manager and he approaches the woman. "Hello there, I'm sorry but because you do not have a first-class ticket, you will have to leave the first-class area." The blond folds her arms and replies:

"I'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm going to Chicago, and I'm Staying Right Here!!"

The manager throws up his hands and goes to the Pilot in the cockpit and tells him what the situation is. One pilot says "Oh! That's Easy...Just leave it to me..."

He then exits the cockpit and approaches the blond sitting in the first-class area and whispers something in her ear. The blond Perks up and IMMEDIATELY returns to her original seat. Perplexed, the stewardess and the Manager ask what he told her. The pilot replied "It's Easy! I just told her first-class wasn't flying to Chicago!"

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:[/quote] ride on the floor laughing:D:D:D:D:D

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

2 dyslexics storm into a bank and shout ''air in the hands motherstickers this is a fuck up''

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A 15yr old boy comes downstairs wearing his best suit and carrying a torch. His dad asks 'where are you going dressed like that with a torch in your hand?' The boy replies 'im going courting.' The dad then tells the boy how he used to go courting but he never took a torch with him. To which the boy replies 'aye,and look what you fuckin ended up with!'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

alarm goes off at 6 am... husband rolls over and says to wife, "get up, its time to go fishing".. she replies "**** off i dont want to go"... he says "ill go pack the car, and ill give you 3 choices, either you come fishing, you give me a blow job, or i get to F.u.c.k you up the ass"... she agrees to think about, so off he goes to pack the car, taking his dog with him... half an hour later he returns and he asks what she has decided.. she says "ill give you a blow job"... half way through she stops and says "your cock tastes like sh*t".. the husband replies, "Yeah the dog didnt want to go either".....

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Default Sans Serif,Verdana,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][SIZE=2][CENTER][CENTER][U][FONT=Default Serif,Times New Roman,Times,serif][SIZE=7][COLOR=#ff8100][COLOR=#ff8100]Lessons in Logic [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/U][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

I was born intelligent - education ruined me. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

One should love animals. They are so tasty. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

.................................................................................... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=#ffc281][COLOR=#ffc281]

"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red]

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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=white][COLOR=white]

On my desk, I have a work station.... [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=5][COLOR=red][COLOR=red] what more can I say........ [/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE] [/CENTER] [/CENTER] [/SIZE][/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

the mother of caster semenya,womens 800m world champion,has expressed her outrage at all the reports slating her daughter this past week.the final straw was when it was suggested that she take a gender test. she said 'after all we have been through this is going to be a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?" The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Subject: Computer Hard and Software: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

---

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

• EVER WONDER
• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
• made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
• don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid

• made with real lemons?

great!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

whats the difference between a cricket ball and a ginger fanny? if you tried hard and i mean really fucking hard you could eat a cricket ball!!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An R.A.F. fighter pilot was flying over afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine-gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them both down immediately. Back at base he got a right bollocking for his actions. Apparently they were Allied Carpets

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

felt a bit depressed last night so i phoned the lifeline number.i got thru to a call centre in afghanistan and told them i was feeling suicidal fuckers got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ :lol: classic!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[QUOTE=GAVIN.MCAVOY;789304]felt a bit depressed last night so i phoned the lifeline number.i got thru to a call centre in afghanistan and told them i was feeling suicidal fuckers got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck[/QUOTE] :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two snowmen standing in a field

One turns to the other and says "fuck me, can you smell carrots?!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan egg says to the sausage "hot in here innit?" the sausage says "fuckin hell, a talking egg!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Who was the safest stuntman ever?

Evel K-nareful

:what

i'll stop now sorry

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden."You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK..., you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."Next morning the little man wakes the woman up."Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

There are four kinds of sex :HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.HALL SEX - After you've been married for ma...ny, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wak...es up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"