[ms] · Est. May 2002
One durable person. One social graph. Many communities—and every way people speak, share, listen, write, gather and remember.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=silver]Did you hear, two antennas just got married… The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was great.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [COLOR=silver] [/COLOR] [FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=silver]Two jumper cables walked into a bar and demanded drinks… The bartender said sure, as long as you don’t start something[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=3][COLOR=SeaGreen]A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective...the cheapest one he could find. This is his report.... [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Tahoma][COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3]"Most honourable sir! You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee, Cheng Lee[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
:shock:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=GAVIN.MCAVOY;794456]A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."[/QUOTE]
Breaking my arse laughing :lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A maths teacher asks a boy called Roger 'if you had £500 and gave £100 to Mary,£100 to Sally,£100 to Susan and £100 to Anne,what would you have?' Roger replies 'an orgy!'
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
They've pulled out another week of Gerry Adams niece's diary.
Monday. Stayed in, dad came down and f***ed me
Tuesday. Stayed in. Got f***ed by dad
Wednesday. Stayed in dad f***ed me doggy style
Thursday. Stayed in dad spunked on my face.
Friday. Stayed in dad gave my ar** a right poundin.
Saturday. Went to watch celtic play, wish i'd stayed in.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fookin mental, the other is some sort of farming problem
:lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
I was talking to Pete Doherty the other day and he said, “When it comes to drugs, I’m addicted.” I said, “I know, but don’t call me Ted.”
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some tosser wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?” “Originally from Essex, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave Essex?” the manager asked.
“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Essex.”
“No shit!” the boy replied. “Who does she play for?”
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^^^^ :lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped.
Found in shul newsletters and announcements
Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
those last 2 are quality mate
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
(who knows, but I tittered)
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for idiocy!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
bored on a long journey Ever found yourself on a long tedious train/plane journey and the passenger sat next to you is particularly irritating?
Here's one suggestion:
[url]http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html[/url]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=GAVIN.MCAVOY;835589]AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy....there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'[/QUOTE]
Jasus, I know we're bad, but we're not that bad....:shock:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Pikey sister and brother in bed Pikey sister to pikey brother "You shag like my dad" Pikey brother to pikey sister "Yeah, That's what my mum says"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^HAHAHAHa
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A black guy, chinese guy, and a jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says get the fuck out of here.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
There was a bit of a financial crisis in the family
so the missus was forced to go down on the corner and earn some money
She'd been gone all night, and when she finally came back up
her husband asked her how much money she'd made...
I made 50 pounds and 2 pence !
2 pence ?? who the heck gave you 2 pence ?
They all did
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
wee roger starts work in a huge department store, one of those huge stocks just about everything types and the manager gives him the tour. at the end he takes him to meet oul bill. he introduces them and says "u will be working with bill for a while to learn the ropes, hes been here for 20 years and if u can be half as good as him i'll be happy." so the manager goes away and oul bill tells him "its all about the sales lad, if somebody comes looking for something try and get an extra sale from them" then spotting a customer he says "watch what i do"
so oul bill saunters over to the customer and says "can i help you sir?" the customer replies "yes id like some grass seed" so bill takes him to the grass seed and then says "were doing a special on lawnmowers at the minute sir and when your grass grows you are gonna have to cut it." the customer then replies "what a good idea i'll take one" after the customer goes "wee roger says that was great bill " so a few minutes later in comes another customer and bill says "right roger lad show us how its done"
so roger saunters over to the customer and says "can i help you sir" the customer replies "yes id like some tampons, theyre for my wife of course" after getting the tampons roger says to the customer "were doing a special on lawnmowers this week if you are interested sir" the customer looking baffled says to him "why would i want to buy a lawnmower" to which roger looking down at the tampons replied "well your weeks already fucked so u may as well cut the grass"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=RiseandShine;431024]A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....... "Grandpa....Go home, you're drunk."[/QUOTE]Thats a good one. :p
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=bobjuice;837218]There was a bit of a financial crisis in the family
so the missus was forced to go down on the corner and earn some money
She'd been gone all night, and when she finally came back up
her husband asked her how much money she'd made...
I made 50 pounds and 2 pence !
2 pence ?? who the heck gave you 2 pence ?
They all did[/QUOTE]
This I found rather funny:D
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Dad cooks deer for dinner one night and doesnt tell his kids they have to guess what it is and says ''its what your mother calls me'' At this his son shouts at his sister ''dont eat that,its a fucking ballbag!!''
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
2 babies are talking: first one says !jeez arnt you tired of pumpkin purity at breakfast chicken noodle purity at lunch beef purity at tea chicken broth purity at supper" Other baby says: "dude you're lucky I gotta share a tit with a guy that smokes camel filter"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. The wee bag on the side).
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture..'
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .
The Genie(aka The Greenie!!!) - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - woman in a Glasgow office who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker).
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=nick007;840985]2 babies are talking: first one says !jeez arnt you tired of pumpkin purity at breakfast chicken noodle purity at lunch beef purity at tea chicken broth purity at supper" Other baby says: "dude you're lucky I gotta share a tit with a guy that smokes camel filter"[/QUOTE]
:lol::lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
I used to date a girl with eczema.
She had a crackin pair of tits.......................
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^ oh dear!
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^I agree with you for a change
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
taxi for Gavin
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
wots the difference between a wachine machine and a woman? you dont have to hug a washing machine when you put a load in it!!
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
an irish girl goes to the doctor+asks for the pill. doctor says 'you are already 6 months pregnant!' she says 'i know paddys found another hole and i dont want a hump on my back as well!'
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=GAVIN.MCAVOY;847809]wots the difference between a wachine machine and a woman? you dont have to hug a washing machine when you put a load in it!![/QUOTE]
:lol::lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B]A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] when she hears one of them say the following:[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] 'Emma come First..[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more![/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] twice. Then I come one lasta time.'[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] The lady can't take this any more, 'You[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' She retorted[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] in public places about our sex lives.'[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] 'Hey, coola downa lady, ' said the man.. 'Who[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] how to spell....... .. ......... . Mississippi .[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] I bet you're gonna read this[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B] again!?*[/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/B]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start swishing it around in your mouth....just swish and swish until he Goes to bed."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with chamomile tea and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how much it helps when you keep your mouth shut!"