Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant answered question #5, 'I don't know.' You answered, 'Neither do I.'"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Proffessor doing a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions which was a pretty boring lecture. To spice up his lecture he turns to a pretty girl in the front and and says "do you know what your arsehole is doing while you are having an orgasm" to which she replied

"Probably out fishing and drinking with his mates"!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, “That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn’t use such language.” “Sorry, Sister”, he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. “Son of a bitch,” he yelled again. “Please, don’t use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn’t help us.” “But I get so upset, and it just comes out.” “Well,” said the nun, “say something else when you get upset, something ike ‘Sweet Jesus, help me’”. So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say “So..”, but he corrected himself and said, “Sweet Jesus help me.” At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car floating a foot above the ground and in unison exclaimed, “Son of a bitch!”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?” The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.” Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl. The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

”No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Guy comes home from work to see all of his belongings and furniture strewn about his lawn and clothes scattered all over the place.

He walks in the door to see his girlfriend throwing his shit out the window, extremely pissed off and basically wanting nothing to do with him anymore.

He runs in the room and says "Honey honey honey, what the fuck are you doing!!!??"

She says, "I hate you! my mom told me your a fuckin pedophile!"

He says back to her: "WHOA WHOA WHOA!! THOSE ARE AWEFUL BIG WORDS FOR A TWELVE YEAR OLD!!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another, pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ :roll: how many times have i heard that!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Dhar_2;593924]^ :roll: how many times have i heard that![/quote]

The joke or someone wishing you had a bigger pecker?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ tit!!!

the joke!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu, Hu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck Bu became Buck Hu became Huck

Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A mouse walks into a music shop and says to the owner...

"Excuse me, I'd like to buy a mouse organ please"

The owner, leans down, looks at the mouse and then says

"Sure, no problem... Funny really, we had another mouse in her just last week asking to buy the exact same thing"

The mouse looks up in recognition and says

"Ah... that'll be our' monica"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'

The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

' Nev er!' replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly; it's her who suffers, not me."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.

"’Tis the Lord’s holy water. I am bringing it home with me," said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some. "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.

"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "Another bloomin'miracle."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a beautiful blond woman painting the walls. She was wearing a fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a bit strange, he asked her why she was wearing such nice clothes rather than overalls.

The blonde simply sighed and showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A builder and a priest were out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately, the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot he would shout, "Sh*t, missed."

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that," he told his friend, "or God will punish you." The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted, "Sh*t, missed," and continued to do so every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas fell on deaf ears as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted, "Sh*t, missed!" Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice could be heard in the clouds, "Sh*t, missed!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, “What is that?” The helpful store clerk responds, “Why, it’s a thermos.” Still curious, the blonde asks, “What does it do?” “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” replies the clerk. So she buys one…. The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, “What’s that shiny thingy?” She replies with authority, “It’s a thermos.” “Oh,” says he, “And what’s it do?” “Well,” says she, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” Then he asks, “So what do you have in there today?” “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Alternatives to “…and they lived happily ever after”

#01 And they stayed together because of the kids. #02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again. #03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness. #04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she’d always dreamed of. #05 And he never found out out the child wasn’t his. #06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself. #07 And they lived happily ever… until the following winter. #08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay. #09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn’t evil - just demanding. #10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance. #11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=RiseandShine;451551][IMG]http://www.jonco48.com/blog/solarenergy2mm7.jpg[/IMG][/quote]

HAHAHA! You KNOW this is in Florida

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What does success mean?

At the age of 3 it means not shitting in your pants. At the age of 12 it means having friends. At the age of 18 it means having a drivers license. At the age of 20 it means having sex. At the age of 35 it means having money. and… At the age of 50 it means having money. At the age of 60 it means having sex. At the age of 70 it means having a drivers license. At the age of 75 it means having friends. At the age of 80 it means not shitting in your pants.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and

I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#008800][COLOR=#008800][FONT=Comic Sans MS][B][COLOR=White]One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'[/COLOR] [/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][/B]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says

"Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[B]Losing all your friends[/B] Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

[B]Brother wanted[/B] A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'.... Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

[B]Meaning of WIFE[/B] Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!' Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!' [B] Importance of a period[/B] Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?' Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

[B]Confident vs. confidential[/B] A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

[B]Anger management?[/B] Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?' Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad....I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

:lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^^ very good!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

R+S is back!!

nice one.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

i'd forgotten about this thread! :Yahoo:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOLS! Nice, I have an a shed load of catching up to do.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. “Yes, teacher,” he said, “my dad taught me.” “Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two,” the teacher said. “Three,” replied Andy. “Very good. What comes after five, Andy?” asked the teacher. “Six,” answered Andy. “Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?” the teacher asked. “A jack!” replied Andy.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The blonde's car was making a funny noise, so she took it in to the garage down the street from where she worked, then walked back to the office. She told her friend, 'I'm getting the car seen to because it makes this funny clicking noise .''Let me know how you make out,' her friend said. 'I'm afraid the mechanic is going to rip you off because you're a woman.' At lunchtime, the garage called to say her car was ready. She walked down and picked it up, then drove to the restaurant where she was meeting her friend. As she sat down to eat, her friend asked, 'Well,how did it go?'' The mechanic was very nice, and very honest, too .''He didn't rip you off? ''No. He said it was an easy fix and only charged me $20. All I needed was some turn signal fluid.'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bed room where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’ She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’ Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, ‘You finish?’ Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’ Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’ Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian.’