Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I went to the foreign exchange the other day to change money. A little asian woman was standing in front of me agitated trying to change yen for dollars.

She asks the teller "why it change why it change?? Yesterday I got two hunat dolla for yen today i get hunat eighty!!!

The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuation"

The asian woman looks at him and say "fluc you white people too!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day a man was looking at himself in the mirror and thought good god I have to something about THAT, he went to a plastic surgeon and asked about penis enlargement surgery. The surgeon told him the latest technique was to use elephant muscle, the man agreed to the procedure. 6 weeks later he went on a date with a beautiful woman to a very expensive resturant. They were half way through the meal when the mans dick appeared from under the table, grabbed a bread roll and disappered. The woman looking shocked and amazed said "Jesus, can you do that again?" The man replyed teary eyed "Sure, but I dont think I can fit another bread roll up my ass!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Huggie Smiles;550815][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. [/FONT][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]"Where's Christian?" he asked.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."[/FONT][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........

[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".[/FONT][/SIZE][/quote] booooooooooooooooooooooo:evil:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[QUOTE=tiddles;553086]booooooooooooooooooooooo:evil:[/QUOTE]

+1

That was so not fair.

jqp

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=spartan;553085]One day a man was looking at himself in the mirror and thought good god I have to something about THAT, he went to a plastic surgeon and asked about penis enlargement surgery. The surgeon told him the latest technique was to use elephant muscle, the man agreed to the procedure. 6 weeks later he went on a date with a beautiful woman to a very expensive resturant. They were half way through the meal when the mans dick appeared from under the table, grabbed a bread roll and disappered. The woman looking shocked and amazed said "Jesus, can you do that again?" The man replyed teary eyed "Sure, but I dont think I can fit another bread roll up my ass!"[/quote]

Hahaha

Two fish in a tank, one say to the other; 'how the fuck do we drive this thing'?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young journalism student was assigned to write a human interest story. He went into the mountains to do some research. There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself, and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"

After a moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and smiled, "Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it, and then took it back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either. Let's try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed, and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost…."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."

After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today."

The woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant."

The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Troklo;557865]My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."[/quote]

Priceless!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a Jack and Coke along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather." I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad." I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?" He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

:CrackUp:I just spit coffee all over my computer!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times. that's rich.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[SIZE=2]Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them , went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. [/SIZE]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^^ Rofl, a classic!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.

"What the hell are you doing???" he asked his partner.

The gay man's partner looked up at him sheepishly, "Oh... I was just packing your lunch!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that it was better Nate than lever.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

wtf did someone come up with that when they were candy-popping?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[QUOTE=jamesalvarez;564576]There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.

One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!

Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that it was better Nate than lever.[/QUOTE]

:lol:

i love jokes like that.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana][B]Double Post- Sorry fellas[/B][/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Verdana][B]Nursing Home Sex[/B][/FONT][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes [/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] you know what I miss most of all?'[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]She asks, 'What?'[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]'Sex!!' he replies.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] gun to your head!'[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] hold it for a while.' [/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. [/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by [/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood![/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] I don't have?'[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B] [B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I]Old Harold smiled happily and[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B][B][I][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][B][I] replied..... ..'Parkinsons.'[/I][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][/I][/B]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ :)

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. ’You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. ‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’ The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’ ‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’ The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?” The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” . The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, “You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached.” The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. “Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!” “Listen, I’m the customer, so I’m always right.” the man says. “That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.” That tears it,” the bartender says, “How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?”

“Well, you’d be the customer, so you’d be right,” the man says.

“Fine, then let’s switch places,” the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender’s place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, “You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda.”

“Sorry,” the man says, “but we don’t serve Republicans here.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” The lady can’t take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who’sa talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my friend a how to spell ’ Mississippi ‘.”

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.She whispers softly to the man

behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

          1. Take a shower.
          2. Splash on some nice perfume.
          3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
          4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to
          do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into it's eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Times New Roman]Subject: THE GIFT [/FONT] [FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the sales women to have them delivered with a note. [/FONT][/FONT]

[B][FONT=Arial][COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][FONT=Arial][B]WHILE WRAPPING THE GLOVES, A CLERK ACCIDENTALLY MIXED UP THE ORDER AND SENT A PAIR OF PANTIES INSTEAD. [/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][/B]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart:[/FONT][/FONT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Darling,[/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. [/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart. [/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see them again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them, So they won't shrink. [/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. [/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]All my Love, [/FONT][/FONT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#aa5555][COLOR=#aa5555][FONT=Arial]PS. THE LATEST STYLE IS TO WEAR THEM FOLDED DOWN WITH A LITTLE FUR SHOWING[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT][/INDENT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^^ thats great!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Patrick Swayze's just landed a part in Ghost II

Filming starts in 6 weeks

(bahdum ching!)

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

ouch!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

        ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
        WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
        WITNESS: I forget.
        ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

         _____________________________________

        ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
        WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
        ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
        WITNESS: My name is Susan!
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
        WITNESS: We both do.

         ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
        WITNESS: We do.
        ATTORNEY: You do?

        WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
                            doesn't know about it until the next morning?
        WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
         ____________________________________

        ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
        WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
         ________________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
        WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
        WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
        WITNESS: Yes.
        ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
        WITNESS: None.
        ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
        WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think
        I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
        ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
        WITNESS: By death.
        ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
        WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
        WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
        ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
        WITNESS: Guess.
         _____________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
        pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
        WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
        ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
        WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
        school did you go to?
        WITNESS: Oral.
         ______________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
        the body?
        WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
        ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
        WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
        wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
         ____________________________________________

        ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
        WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
         ______________________________________

        --- And the best for last: ---

        ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
         did you check for a pulse?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
        was alive when you began the autopsy?
        WITNESS: No.
        ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
        WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
        in a jar.
        ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still

        been alive, nevertheless?
        WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
         been alive and practicing law.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^^ awesome :lol:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

lmao, brilliant

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

old and made up but still very funny!

[url]http://www.mercuryserver.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37876&highlight=autopsies[/url]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinnesses in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.

One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So, the bartender lines 10 Guinnesses up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

There are three cops that come to this bar everyday after work. Cop 1 and Cop 2 are veterans and Cop 3 is a rookie.

One day Cop 1 comes into the bar very happy, buying drinks, giving drinks, spending money. Cop 2 and 3 ask, "Why are you so happy, won the lottery?". Cop 1 replies, "No, I was having sex with my wife, missionary style, and when I was about to cum I shot my gun off and her pussy got so tight... man I had the best orgasm of my life". Cops 2 and 3 laughed about it.

The next day Cop 2 comes into the bar. He is all happy and jolly,bying drinks and having a great mood. Cop 1 and 3 ask, "What happened why are you so happy?" Cop 2 replies, "I tried your advice. I was having sex with my wife, doggy style, when I was about to cum, I shot my gun and just like you said it would her pusssy got tight as hell and had the best orgasm of my life".

The next day Cop 3 comes into the bar. He is very mad pushing people, kicking chairs and the other two veteran officers ask, "What happened?". Cop 3 says, "I took your advice. I was 69 my wife and when I was about to come i shot off my gun and the bitch almost bit my dick off and she shit in my face".

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ ah the belgicum sense of humour!