Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Life of an egg:

1. You only get laid once.

2. You only get eaten once.

3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.

4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.

5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif][SIZE=2][FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=3]T[/SIZE][/FONT]hree Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif][SIZE=2]One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif][SIZE=2]One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." [/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif][SIZE=2]The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. [/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=2][FONT=Geneva, Arial, Sans-serif]Now he's President of the United States."[/FONT] [/SIZE]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and a woman meet each other at a party and begin a conversation. The woman tells him "My name is Carmen. I adopted it as an adult because it reflects the two things in life which I find most interesting. Cars and men. What's your name?" After a very brief pause, he said "Golftits."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][FONT=Arial]Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed Hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
Rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order To keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt To disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly Demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
Condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was Placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I Could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my Confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this Means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my Tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this Again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and Seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The Bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors Have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is Safe. For now..[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B$@T*RD!!!!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." " Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." " Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

^ ha ha the oldies are the best!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Jokes for the older crowd:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[SIZE=2]Talking about bringing old threads back... [/SIZE] A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?" [FONT=Arial][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, asked, Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=trebuchet ms]top 10 signs that your child is too old to be breastfed[/FONT]

[FONT=trebuchet ms]10. He can open your blouse by himself, with one hand. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms] 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms] 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos." [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]And the number one sign your child is too old to breastfeed: [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]

1. Beard abrasions on areola.[/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A little boy, waiting for his mother to come out of a store, is approached by a man asking directions: "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" "Sure," says the kid, "just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn right." The man thanks the boy kindly and adds, "I am the new preacher in town, and if you come to the church on Sunday, I will show you how to get to heaven." The boy grins, in that way kids have a way of grinning when they know something you don't: "Aw, c'mon, you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,

"What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEB R ATE !!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here.........

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving companies pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife; they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A newly retired couple from Madison, Wisconsin, Betty and Ed Stutmeyer, were wrapping up their third month of full-time RVing, driving down a lonely two-lane back road near Redding, California. But it wasn't a happy day, because they were steaming mad at each other. Their nerves were really on edge, probably because they had opted for a 24-foot fifth wheel trailer instead of one with more space, and the close quarters were driving them both batty! For example, Ed kept getting mad at Betty for leaving her socks on the dresser. And Betty was equally bothered by Ed's constant belching and the fact that he never even apologized for being so disgusting.

The silence in their Ford pickup truck was deafening. It seemed they had argued for an hour. But now, only silence. "It wasn't supposed to be like this," Betty said to herself, holding back tears. Ed, frowning, was also deep in thought, thinking, "If only we had bought that 38-footer." Yes, it was a very tense time.

As they drove past a huge barnyard packed fence-to-fence with big, fat, ugly pigs, Betty, who was now about to pop with pent up frustration, just couldn't resist making a sarcastic comment. Pointing to the pigs, she said slyly, "Relatives of yours?"

Ed, equally frustrated, stared back at her. "Yeh, they're relatives," he said, "In-laws!"

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, ?Hey, what're you in for?? ?I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,? said Tim. ?Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!? ?Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. ?That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?? ?I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,? Sammy answered. ?Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!?

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk", worth 70 points or none at all. One student, who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote...

1.) It is perfect formula for the child. 2.) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3.) It is always the right temperature. 4.) It is inexpensive. 5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?" "No" replied the trainee.. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!" The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?" "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily. "Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man. "Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, “Watch this…” He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, “hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a fag got.” The Irishman just replies “Oh, is that so now?” The Englishman goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, “ Here, let me try that.” So he goes over to the Irishman and says, “ Hey man, I hear that your St. Patrick was a transvestite fag got.” The Irishman only replies, “Oh, is that so now ?” So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the third Englishman jumps up and says, “Well now, I gotta try that.” So he walks over to the Irishman and says, “Hey I hear your St.Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN !!” And the Irishman replies, “Aye, that’s what your friends were saying.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place...

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What men mean

"I'M GOING FISHING" = "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING" = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." = mEANS Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" = "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." = "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." = "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". = "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." = "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" = "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." = "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." = "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." = "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." = "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." = "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

What’s the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam. A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company is ‘The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company’.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse?

Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.