Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing Wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone, then, when he finally answered ... he was rude to my simple question."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.... "

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.''

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. ''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.''

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly. ''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''The balcony.''

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[FONT=trebuchet ms]A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." [/FONT][FONT=trebuchet ms]Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."[/FONT]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

This past week I was recently riding with a friend of mine. My friend seemed to drive somewhat cautiously, what with the weather conditions and all.

Soon enough, we approach a red light and he shoots right through it! A bit terrified at what just happened, I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

At this point, I put on my seatbelt. Shortly thereafter, we come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it! I ask him with more urgency this time, "What are you doing? Why'd you do that?" And again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

A few moments later, we come to a green light, and all of sudden he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shout at him at the top of my lungs, "Why do you do that?! Are you trying to kill me!?"

He replied, "On the contrary. I may have saved both of us. You see, my brother could be coming the other way."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

LOL this shit needs to be stickied

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

repost:

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE:
8. Drive up to cash machine.
9. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
10. Set parking brake, put the window down.
11. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
12. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
13. Attempt to insert card into machine.
14. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
15. Insert card.
16. Reinsert card the right way.
17. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
18. Enter PIN.
19. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
20. Enter amount of cash required.
21. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
22. Retrieve cash and receipt.
23. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
24. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
25. Recheck makeup.
26. Drive forward 2 feet.
27. Reverse back to cash machine.
28. Retrieve card.
29. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
30. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
31. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
32. Redial person on cell phone.
33. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
34. Release Parking Brake.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager. [B]Lawyer[/B]: [I]Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.[/I] [B]Blonde[/B]: [I]Sure, why not?[/I] [B]Lawyer[/B]: [I]Great. What’s the circumference of the earth?[/I] [B]Blonde[/B] (after quietly handing him $5 from her purse): [I]OK, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?[/I] The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without any luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself: [I]“Wait! You’ve gotta tell me, what was the answer???”[/I] Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then lays down and falls back asleep.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER..... Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: [INDENT]Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian [/INDENT]A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: [INDENT]Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom [/INDENT]LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

RiseandShine, you da man, keep 'em coing...

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=RiseandShine;449565]HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER..... Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:[INDENT]Dear Mom:[/INDENT]

[INDENT]I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.[/INDENT]

[INDENT]Love, Brian [/INDENT]

A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:[INDENT]Dear Son:[/INDENT]

[INDENT]I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.[/INDENT]

[INDENT]Love, Mom [/INDENT] LESSON OF THE DAY ... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.[/quote]

hahahaha

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A rancher and his bitchy wife were seated in a fancy restaurant while on vacation in Paris. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a big juicy porterhouse steak." "Oui, monsieur," the waiter replied, "but what about ze mad cow?" "Hell," said the rancher, "just bring her a salad."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, This must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy] [/COLOR][/COLOR]stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy] [/COLOR][/COLOR]the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in then morning[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy] [/COLOR][/COLOR]and it is pouring rain outside!”

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down[COLOR=navy][COLOR=navy] [/COLOR][/COLOR]and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

In the immigration office:

Q.: "Name?" A.: "Abdul Dalah Sarafi."

Q.: "Sex?" A.: "Four times a week."

Q.: "No, no, no... male or female?" A.: "Male, female... sometimes camel..."*

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[SIZE=3]I will seek and find you I shall take you to bed and have my way with you I will make you ache, shake and sweat, until you moan and groan I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.[/SIZE] [SIZE=3]All my love,[/SIZE] The Flu

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an 'ID Ten T' error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T' error? What's that. In case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned...." Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T' error Before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down. 'I D 1 0 T'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[IMG]http://www.jonco48.com/blog/solarenergy2mm7.jpg[/IMG]

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days… the brain had a terrible headache… the stomach was bloated… the legs got wobbly… the eyes got watery… and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Housework was a woman's job in the family ... but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ... well, Ralph was too tired."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said , "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?" The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos." Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk. So she buys one.... The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What's that shiny thingy?" She replies with authority, "It's a thermos." "Oh," says he, "And what's it do?" "Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?" "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

An Ol' Kentucky Boy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Kentucky baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Kentuckian just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a typical Kentucky baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of t hat typical Kentucky baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Kentucky father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Coors beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

kwak kwak kwak

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

some good ones in there R&S

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=Miguel;458009]kwak kwak kwak[/quote]

kwik :LoveYou:

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Keep 'em coming, the last one was baller.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=RiseandShine;458048]kwik :LoveYou:[/quote]

keep em coming

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his board.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you just told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

[quote=KinKyJ;449934]In the immigration office:

Q.: "Name?" A.: "Abdul Dalah Sarafi."

Q.: "Sex?" A.: "Four times a week."

Q.: "No, no, no... male or female?" A.: "Male, female... sometimes camel..."*[/quote]

HAAHAAHAHAHAHAH ....that one got the whole office laughin

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition. "The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework assignment, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid 'Kevin'. 'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?' 'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?' 'Kevin', she said. 'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

'No problem.' she answers. 'Then I call them by their surnames.'

Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"