[ms] · Est. May 2002
One durable person. One social graph. Many communities—and every way people speak, share, listen, write, gather and remember.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
One day the teacher was talking about marriage in class... Teacher: what kind of wife would you like Johnny? Johnny: I want a wife like the moon... Teacher: Wow what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon? Johnny: NO. I want her to come at Night and Disappear in the morning......
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Ma neighbour approached me the other day about underwear gon missin fae her washin line.
A nearly shat her pants.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
A white guy, a black guy, a Christian, a muslim, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,
"What can I get you Mr. President?"
:roflmao:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^ :D Nice one! Haha!
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Just bought the mrs a pair of crotchless knickers for halloween. Not a sexual thing, thought it may help her get a better grip on her broomstick.
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:lol:
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Hellooo people.looks like uve miseed a few jokes.so heres one..
Whats brown and very lonley???????????????
Saddam hussains camel!!
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
:lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
My new Lexus has voice activated Satelite Radio. and one day while driving I tried it out and said…”Classic Rock” and it started playing Alman Brothers.
So then I said, “Country” and it started playing Carrie I-wanna-get-in-her pants
Then I got a text from my wife about our neighbors kid breaking a window in the house, and I said,…”Fucking kids!”
Suddenly Micheal Jackson started playing!
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^:D
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full!
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i had to go to jimmy savilles funeral yesterday,just to make sure the cunt was dead. ive never forgave him for 'fixing' it for me to meet gary glitter when i was six
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oh dear :(
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Indeed:D
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[COLOR=#ffffff][FONT=Arial]One of the seven dwarfs has been arrested, for shagging a giraffe, apparently the other six put him up to it[/FONT][/COLOR]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^lol. I think I have that movie on vhs, actually.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Socrates thoughts on gossip :- One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife
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SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. <<<< :roflmao:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
was going to post this in the nonsense thread but thought it was more apt here
[ATTACH=CONFIG]7988[/ATTACH]
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[ATTACH=CONFIG]9400[/ATTACH]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[IMG]http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/22603723d7c89930553675a5e553f6d3c17e1e04_m.jpg[/IMG]
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[QUOTE=Kamal;1059090][ATTACH=CONFIG]9400[/ATTACH][/QUOTE]
could you imagine how shitty that would be :roflmao:
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[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/kZMQZ.jpg[/IMG]
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[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/MkVNx.jpg[/IMG]
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
I went into my local last night and there was a fat girl dancing on the table. I walked passed her and said "fucking amazing legs" The girl giggled and said with a smile "do you really think so" I said "definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
:lol:
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[IMG]http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/3b9d50cfb5044278ed3fe64965b7c707d71a72a8_m.jpg[/IMG]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
haha
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[URL="http://www.lamebook.com/short-and-sweet-2/short1-3/"][IMG]http://www.lamebook.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/short1.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
[QUOTE=srbbnd;1063310]What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.[/QUOTE]
jesus fucking LOL...
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Come back Gav, we're missin the funnies.
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Q: Whats the difference between an apple and a baby?
A: I don't cum on my apples before I eat them.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^ wtf?
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
My new German girlfriend give me marks out of ten when we have sex.
Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nine, nine".
My best score yet!!
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
^ ha ha
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
a gymnast walks into a bar, he gets a two point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an old man and a golf aficionado named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. “Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” “I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. “Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. “Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes” – and he calmly returned to his seat.
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?” “Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”
Re: A drunken man walks into a biker bar.....
When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.” God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?” The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”