[ms] · Est. May 2002
One durable person. One social graph. Many communities—and every way people speak, share, listen, write, gather and remember.
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue.
One of them turns to the other and says: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
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ughh, hehe thats horrible
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oh man
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buaahh
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LAMO ...fuckin hell :D
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yummy
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New day, new nasty joke...
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".
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That was fuckin funny man ...i cant not stop laughin :D
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old one but a classic!!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartrate.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened ?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure but I think she choked."
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^^ haha.... i'm keeping that one.
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[quote=speciale;381929]old one but a classic!!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartrate.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened ?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure but I think she choked."[/quote]
:roflmao:Thank-you, I needed that!
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A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's ramming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
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^^^ thats just fuckn sick.
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A woman is learning how to golf. She decides to take a lesson from a golf pro. They head out to the driving range and she hits her first ball. The ball goes about 50 yards, slicing to the right.
The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club.' When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing."
She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight, for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem—How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
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Thanx for making me laugh this morning! Some good ones...
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nice way to start the day lmao
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haha...
two buddies are talking to each other. "i've been making a lot of freudian slips lately" one guy tells his pal.
"like what?" his friend asks.
"well, last week i asked a train conductor for a picket to tittsburgh".
"i did something similiar the other day," says his buddy. "my wife and i were having
breakfast, and instead of saying, 'honey, please pass the butter,' i said, 'you bitch, you've ruined my life.'"
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^geoff that one is one of THE classic jokes IMO! Always raises a smile!
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A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f---ing sheet rock..."
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.
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time to crank up the gastronomy level here...
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
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Good lord Jan :Wasted:
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don't you love the graphic detail? har har har :D
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the day after sean's weekend joke
Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog." [COLOR=blue][COLOR=blue][/COLOR][/COLOR]
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you are one sick mofo
that was pretty funny though :lol:
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^ best joke I've heard in a while.
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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." So the woman replies " If your dick is as hard as your elbow, then I am staying in room 113."
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[quote=chanty;383821]A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." So the woman replies " If your dick is as hard as your elbow, then I am staying in room 113."[/quote]great opening line chanty, do you use that often? :lol:
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because all this religious talk is making me dizzy... [COLOR=Silver] [/COLOR] [FONT=arial,helvetica][FONT=Arial][COLOR=Silver][SIZE=2]Students at a medical school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with a body covered by a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to [/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=12][COLOR=#000000][SIZE=2][COLOR=Silver][FONT=Arial]have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted."[/FONT][FONT=Arial] The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:[/FONT][FONT=Arial] "The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people." [/FONT]
[/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=Silver] [/COLOR] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT]
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thats nasty
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[quote=speciale;381929]old one but a classic!!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
"As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartrate.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened ?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure but I think she choked."[/quote]
good one:lol:
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "OK, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."
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^^ not bad
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[quote=speciale;384533]^^ not bad[/quote] :lol: should we rate these jokes on a laugh scale 1-5 laughs
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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[quote=hulkhuss;384574]:lol: should we rate these jokes on a laugh scale 1-5 laughs
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]
I'd give it a :lol::lol:
just keep the jokes coming :p
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[quote=speciale;384577]I'd give it a :lol::lol:
just keep the jokes coming :p[/quote]\
:lol: :lol: i will give it the same then
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[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=tahoma,sans-serif][FONT=Arial]"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."[/FONT] [/FONT][/FONT]
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:lol: :lol:
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[quote=speciale;384585]:lol: :lol:[/quote]
:lol: :|
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since most stuff is on religion lately, lets keep things in theme
[QUOTE]Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him." "Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?" [/QUOTE]