Re: Joke of the day

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church! Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one! Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?" The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

Re: Joke of the day

Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.

?Where is my friend Mike?? Jeff asks.

St. Peter replies, ?Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.?

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, ?Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK??

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

?I don?t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,? says Jeff.

?It?s not as it appears to be,? says St. Peter. ?You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn?t.?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=speciale;384606]Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.

?Where is my friend Mike?? Jeff asks.

St. Peter replies, ?Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.?

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, ?Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK??

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

?I don?t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,? says Jeff.

?It?s not as it appears to be,? says St. Peter. ?You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn?t.?

:lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]

That one is pretty good.

Re: Joke of the day

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven, where they are met by St. Peter. He says, ?Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.?

The first nun says, ?I want to be Sophia Loren.? With that, [I]poof,[/I] she?s gone.

The second nun says, ?I want to be Madonna? and [I]poof,[/I] she?s gone.

The third nun says, ?I want to be Sara Pipalini.?

St. Peter looks perplexed. ?Who?? he says.

?Sara Pipalini? replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, ?I?m sorry, but that name doesn?t ring a bell.?

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, ?No, Sister, this says, ?Sahara Pipeline? laid by 1,900 men in six months.? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars.

?Jeez,? says the mailman, ?this is great, but what?s with the two dollars??

?Well,? she replies, ?since you?re retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, ?Fuck him?give him a couple of bucks.? Breakfast was my idea.? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

^^^^^^^^^^ :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They’re all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won’t come out. They don’t want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone “to say good-bye to my mother”.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”.

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=shosh;384705]A couple are going out for a night on the town. They?re all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won?t come out. They don?t want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone ?to say good-bye to my mother?.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

?Sorry I took so long,? he says. ?Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She?d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!?.[/quote]

:| :p

Re: Joke of the day

Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and they head down to earth.

Once they get there, Moses says, "I think what i want to do first is part the red sea, that was a lot of fun." So Moses goes and parts the Red Sea and comes back and says, "That was awesome, what do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I will do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water. As soon as he starts, though, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He comes back to land disappointed and Moses says, "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=shosh;384714]Jesus and Moses are up in heaven sitting around, trying to think of something to do. Moses says, "Hey Jesus, I think it would be fun to go down to earth and perform miracles like in the good old days, what do you think?" Jesus agrees and they head down to earth.

Once they get there, Moses says, "I think what i want to do first is part the red sea, that was a lot of fun." So Moses goes and parts the Red Sea and comes back and says, "That was awesome, what do you want to do, Jesus?"

Jesus thinks for a while and then says, "You know, I really enjoyed walking on water, I think I will do that again." So Jesus goes over to a lake and starts walking across the water. As soon as he starts, though, he begins to sink to the bottom.

He comes back to land disappointed and Moses says, "Well, I guess the last time you did that you didn't have holes in your feet."[/quote]

:Tomato t: :p

Re: Joke of the day

A line-up of nuns were at the pearly gates and St. Peter asks the first nun "Have you sinned Sister Margaret?" to which she replies sheepishly "Well, once I stared at a mans penis." So St. Peter tells her to wash her eyes with the holy water from the fountain and say ten Hail Mary's.

He proceeds to ask the next nun in line the same question, to which she replies "I did touch a man's penis a very long time ago" St. Peter tells her to wash her hands in the holy water and say 10 Hail Mary's.

As he's about to ask the question of the next nun and he notices a nun down the line anxiously waving her hands in the air trying to get his attention. "Yes Sister Anna, what is so urgent?" he asks her. "Well, I was wondering if I could go ahead of Sister Irene because I'd like to wash my mouth out before she sticks her bum in the fountain."

Re: Joke of the day

[size=2]a Plane Is On Its Way To Montreal, When A Blonde In Economy Class Gets Up, And Moves To The First Class Section And Sits Down. The Flight Attendant Watches Her Do This, And Asks To See Her Ticket. She Then Tells The Blonde That She Paid For Economy Class, And That She Will Have To Sit In The Back. The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blond, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Montreal And I'm Staying Right Here." The Flight Attendant Goes Into The Cockpit And Tells The Pilot And The Co-pilot That There Is A Blonde Sitting In First Class, That Belongs In Economy And Won't Move Back To Her Seat. The Co-pilot Goes Back To The Blonde And Tries To Explain That Because She Only Paid For Economy She Will Have To Leave And Return To Her Seat.

The Blonde Replies, "i'm Blonde, I'm Beautiful, I'm Going To Montreal And I'm Staying Right Here." The Co-pilot Tells The Pilot That He Probably Should Have The Police Waiting When They Land To Arrest This Blonde Woman Who Won't Listen To Reason. The Pilot Says, "you Say She Is A Blonde? I'll Handle This, I'm Married To A Blonde. I Speak Blonde." He Goes Back To The Blonde And Whispers In Her Ear, And She Says, "oh, I'm Sorry." And She Gets Up And Goes Back To Her Seat In Economy. The Flight Attendant And Co-pilot Are Amazed And Asked The Pilot What He Said To Make Her Move Without Any Fuss. "i Told Her, 'first Class Isn't Going To Montreal'." [/size]

Re: Joke of the day

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

Re: Joke of the day

:lol:

Re: Joke of the day

nice!

Re: Joke of the day

A young boy was taken away from his parents because he was being abused. The case goes to court, and the judge turns to the little boy and says "Son, If you had to chose who you wanted to live with, would you chose your mom, or your dad?" The little boy thinks for a couple minutes and replies "Well.. I don?t want to live with my dad cuz he beats me.... And I don?t want to live with my mom, cuz she beats me too. Soo.... I guess I?d like to live with the Toronto Maples Leafs... cuz they don?t beat ANYONE!!"

Re: Joke of the day

^^^ I bet you were that kid who always got beaten up during recess, innit? :p

Re: Joke of the day

[LEFT]Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." [/LEFT]

Re: Joke of the day

short and good :)

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=KinKyJ;395344]^^^ I bet you were that kid who always got beaten up during recess, innit? :p[/quote]

nah ... i was the kid that brings the popcorn and drinks over to watch the fight ;)

Re: Joke of the day

haha

Re: Joke of the day

the jewish dillemma

pork on sale.

Re: Joke of the day

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied. "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and therefore rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies asked. "When they come to resue us they will see my great tits and take me first." The third lady who was African and not wanting to be out done, took off her pants and panties. Now why are you doing that, the other women asked. "Because they ALWAYS search for the black box first!"

Re: Joke of the day

Here is a good one.

If you don't believe in Jesus than you can go to hell.

Re: Joke of the day

A gorgeous ex-girlfriend emailed me through the MySpace website recently and we ended up swapping phone numbers. She called me up the other night and we talked away for ages, we lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me. "She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days. "She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute. "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled...
So I told her to f**k off.

Re: Joke of the day

These two boys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make it really good. One of the guys asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo-style. The other guy said no and asked him to explain. ''That's where you start out doing it doggy-style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see how long u can hold on for!!

Re: Joke of the day

3 gay blokes in a hot tub. All of a sudden a condom floats to the surface. One of them shouts out..

WHOS FARTED!!!

Re: Joke of the day

...a baby seal walks into a club

Re: Joke of the day

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, when the wife asks, "Do you know her ?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ?

Re: Joke of the day

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]A husband gets a call from the ER. He is told to rush to the hospital because his wife was in a serious car crash. When he gets to the hospital he runs to find his wife. As he finds the ER, He sees the doctor leaving the room. The doctor says ?Look man, it is bad. We had to amputate her legs and one arm. In addition to that she is paralyzed from the neck down. She will not be able to feed, clean or get herself around at all. In fact you will most likely have to quit your job and take care of her 24 hours a day.? The husband says to the doctor ?Tell me it is not so!? The doctor says, ?Nah, I?m just fucking with you, she is dead?[/SIZE] [/FONT]

:D

Re: Joke of the day

^ Andy that first one from you is a corker!

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=thesightless;395490]the jewish dillemma

pork on sale.[/quote]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Re: Joke of the day

Hey congrats Jenks on your Cards! 8)