"Well Dave, you know me and one thing i hate it being late for work. I woke up this morning not feeling too great about the new spicy thai dish my wife cooked last night, and i knew sooner or later i would end up with a case of the runs. I'm not talking severe or life threatening, but ya know, the kind that just kinda makes your whole day a little awkward. Can't run too quickly, gotta watch how you sit in your chair, can't listen to any jokes, ya know, just an awkward kinda day when your bowels are about to explode any second.. I had a few spare minutes this morning after i got ready so I went to the kitchen for a Bagel with cream cheese, thinking that might tighten me up a bit and solidify the bowels. It was all going pretty good Dave, until half way through the bagel, i notice it had mold growing on it, Dave, i hate mold, we all do, it's just gross man, and now, to add to my loose stool situation, i'm uncontrollably throwing up in the kitchen sink. What makes this situation worse Dave, hey, we've all had the runs, and i'm sure you know as well as i do that keeping them bottled in is an effort in futility, the slightest sneeze, cough, laugh, and it's liquid time in the seat of your pants. Now...i'm already late for work, and i just need to get this moldy bagel out of my stomach. I'm at the kitchen sink throwing up uncontrollably, and yep, you guessed it dave, my bowels let loose in my fucking pants. Im literally exploding from both ends dave. Vomit, Shit, Vomit, Shit...Now i'm really late for work, puke in the sink, shit in my pants, the bad kind too...and all i want to do is clean up and change as fast as i can and get to work so i'm not late. I go upstairs to change my underware, and my wife has neglected to do the laundry this week, and i already beat her last week for the same thing, with a phonebook even as to not leave any bruises, you would think she'd learn, but no...anyway, different story all together Dave...so i do the only thing i could think of Dave, because ya know you just can't go commando when you've got a case of the runs, or by the end of the day the back end of your trousers will look like a mud puddle, which is pretty uncool Dave. So...I grabbed a pair of my wifes underware, and i was putting clean trousers on looking at myself, and the panties just don't look right with out the matching bra...seriously Dave, you've heard your wife say this, and let me tell you man, it just doesn't look right, you have to have a matching pair. So, i grabbed the matching bra, and these things aren't exactly easy to put on by yourself, as we guys know how hard they are to remove, am i right dave, am i right?? yeah...so i finally get the clasp done, and rush out the door, and get to work 3 minutes before nine. Just in time Dave. So here i am, in the break room, looking again for a fresh bagel, standing here, trying not to think about the moldy bagel i already ate, and trying not to shit my pants, standing here talking to you with a matching lace bra and panty on, which oddly enough i'm enjoying, but now i'm trying not to get an erection."