Re: It's your friends that make your world
Megan I'm sorry I had to edit your post, it was too much for me to read. I've just stayed away from posting in this thread cause just reading his name has been bringing tears to my eyes. Steve was/is and always will remain my little brother. Its so hard right now, so hard, just fighting to keep a level head. All day I kept staring at this pict of him and me in pensacola.
I don't know how to say it and to this point I didnt want to say anything about how/why but I feel now that Megan did mention it, it's better to let his friends on here know a little more.
(I am stating what I am below, as un-emotionally as possible, so as not to misrepresent or state something that may offend whoever is stated in my post below)
Steve lived a hard life. I've been speaking with him on MSN shortly after he became a mod on ms 1.0. Almost every week for the last 6 years he has been a part of my daily/weekly/monthly internet banter and even though we met just once, we had a relationship that could've spanned a lifetime of friendship.
From 2004, he first started sharing the extent of his hardships, which started with his work (which always left him more empty than full). I've spoken with him loads, tried offering him potential alternatives but being the pig-headed person he always was, he turned down any/all help he got.
He was living with his dad at the time and shared a great relationship with him. His dad got him his CDJs and he was really grateful to his dad for that. But things took a turn for the worse even there. His problems gradually started escalating when he had a falling out with his dad/sister and he he ended up moving to Atlanta (I'm a little fuzzy on the dates but I do believe the timeline is right). Somewhere after moving there, he moved in with his, now-ex girlfriend, with whom he stayed for a while. He truly loved her, but he still wanted to do something (work-wise) which always troubled him. However, life continued on and we spoke regularly on MSN and he didn't seem troubled to the extent we now know.
As time moved on and Atlanta got to him to the point he felt suffocated, he decided to move back to Tampa together with his ex. But then things started to go bad between them after a while and he moved out of their apartment. He tried to keep his head focused, keep a steady job and stay afloat, which was turning harder and harder for him. He didn't have his license (it was suspended) and he had to depend on rides to and from work. His motivation in keeping a lesser paying job, having loads of trouble to keep it and not being able to make ends meet, he knew his only option was to move back in with his mom, which was something he always seemed very averse to.
After battling the elements, he gave in and went back to stay with his mom. It wasn't easy. There was little or no room for his stuff, most of which remained packaged and some in storage. Even to get his time on the web/ms, he had to schedule his time on his mum's pc cause he didn't have room to set up his stuff. So he stayed out of the house for hours on end, sometimes trying to stay out for days if he could pull it off, jumping from one friend's house to another.
He would call intermittently from his prepaid phone (that cost him an arm and a leg) just to tell me where I could call him back or that he was doing fine.....but he never was (and I'll just leave it at that).
Things continued to spiral down for him, his job, his life at home, his break-up - it was like everything he thought he had formed a real connection with, was turning meaningless. It got to a point where he was on the verge of calling it quits late last year. He first told tom about it, who then called me to tell me and it paralyzed me with fear.
I tried calling every number I had for him, emailing him, sending him pm's on here and sending him messages on MSN. I asked Steve Graham several times if he had heard from jib but he said he hadn't. Finally Jib got back to me. Said he was fine and was acting out after consuming too much alcohol. He said he was getting help and trying to clean himself up - hence the leave of absence from the internet. I kept telling him to tell me an address where I could send him a ticket to, but he wouldn't tell me. I insisted every time we spoke, for him to come and live with me for a few, telling him how a different job, change of scenery would help him. But he was as stubborn as ever.
In the meantime, things at home started to then look up. The help he was getting made him see things from a different perspective and he felt his things at home getting better. In fact, he had a great Christmas last year, he made steak, exchanged presents, and really felt he was finally home.
But, it was short-lived.
Things returned to how they were for Jib and he did all that he could, to get away from it all. He switched jobs until he got working with Walgreen's, working on their equipment. He gradually started to love it, especially because he was one of the only ones who was really good (technically) and a lot of people depended on him for it. He was feeling the motivation he had desired for so long.
He continued on with his music as he tried to keep himself distracted from things in his life that upset him until one day, he had a bad falling out with his mum and he was pretty much on the street after that. For about 2 weeks, he lived like a hermit, bumming a room from one friend's house to another and drowning himself in alcohol to keep his mind of his misery.
He called me a several times during that time and I begged him to move up here again, but he refused, I helped him on the phone as much as I could. This was about a month before Pensacola happened. Every chance I got, I forced him to come and live with me. Sugana (my wife) was in India for 2 months and I kept insisting every phone call I had with him, to stay with me in Cumberland. But FUCK it was IMPOSSIBLE to get through to him.
Of course when Pensacola kicked in, things were great, he was in the company of friends and he stayed upbeat for the most part.
But then when he went back to Pensacola, he realized he was returning to a life of nothing. He felts he had practically no one left with whom he thought he could connect to. He was sinking into loneliness but he would NEVER let anyone know just how bad it was for him.
With just his clothes in his bag and nearly everything still in storage, it was then the FSM crew (scifi pi/hafid) came to his rescue. They convinced him to get a job in Pensacola and with Walgreen's opening up a branch there as well, he managed to get a transfer and move to Pensacola.
He finally moved in with the woman he felt really connected to and continued to work (I will leave her unnamed in case she does not want herself to be identified, of course for those who already know who she is, its a different story).
Then last week happened. Jib called me last Friday when I was driving out of town and from the conversation I had with him for about 30-40 minutes, this is what I can piece together about his move to Pensacola
After about 2 months, it seemed as though he wanted to settle down with all the partying and staying up for days on end. He wanted the girl he was living with, to become his girl friend. They were at different places in their life and it didn't happen. He was affected by this, to the extent that he must have screwed up at work and people at his work took notice he was troubled. He was temporarily let go for 1 (or maybe 2) weeks. This is when he hit rock bottom.
After feeling like he had lost his relation with everyone/everything that meant something, I now feel that Steve lost all hope seeing that virtually everything that truly mattered and wanted, had gone.
As Megan put it, early Saturday morning, he locked himself in his car, siphoned the exhaust inside, and ended what he felt was his intolerable misery.
Even in that last phone call with him, I kept pushing him to move to Cumberland, but he refused. He still sounded as stoic as he had always been and I didn't have the foggiest idea that he had gone so far over. I keep getting this wrenching feeling I should've done more, insisted more, pushed him more to move out. And no matter what anyone can say, I will live with this.
I can only thank God for the time I have known him and the time I got to spend with him in Pensacola.
Jib, you're always with me.... always
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