Subject: Problem Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought would lead to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone, "just to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau, Hesse, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused asking, "Why are we here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. Soon I had a reputation as a heavy thinker. Then one day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I went home early after the conversation with my boss. Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," and with tears in her eyes she said, "I want a divorce!" "But Honey surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver, "You think as much as a college professor! College professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She began to cry again. I'd had had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled and stomped out the door. I headed for the library in the mood for some Nietzsche with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open. Due to recent budget cuts the library was closed. To this day I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass whimpering for Narcissus and Goldmund or "The Glass Bead Game," a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's Revenge." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home Life just seemed... easier somehow as soon as I stopped thinking. Soon I will be able to vote Republican.