A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked
one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

:lol:

Taken from Maxim[list]A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyways.

The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.

"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.

"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it work, you've got another thing coming!"

"Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."[/list]

Re: Today's Funnies

:CrackUp:

Those two made my last 2 minutes before crashing...

:EatMe: funny shit!

Re: Today's Funnies

A man and his young son decided to take a walk around the neighborhood block. The son is asking all the tipicle questions a boy his age usually asks. "Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green?" When they turn the corner, they see two dogs fucking in a front yard. The boys blurts out, "Daddy, daddy, what are those two dogs doing?" The dad replies, "Well son, they're making puppies." The boy doesn't quite understand, but continues to walk on. Later that night, the boy is still thinking about those two dogs. So he runs down the hallway to his parent room. He blasts into the room only to find his mom and dad having sex. He slowly asks, "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?" The dad thinks about what he said earlier to his son about the dogs. He replies, "Well son, were making babies." The boy thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, roll her over daddy, I want puppies!"

[quote=picklemonkey]Taken from Maxim[list]A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyways.

The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.

"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.

"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it work, you've got another thing coming!"

"Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."[/list][/quote]

:ROFLMAO:

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically.'

"Easy," says his father. "First, ask Mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy runs off, then comes back and says "She said yes."

"Now go ask your sister the same question." advises the father

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "She said yes."

"So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father. "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."

Re: Today's Funnies

[quote=buckman]A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked
one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."[/quote]

Funnnnyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :lol:

Re: Today's Funnies

This is very intresting for me :shock: ,but thanks! :D

Re: Today's Funnies

stevie wonder is doing a concert tour in asia and the first event is in japan . so he comes out on stage and says before he gets into what he's planned for the night are there any requests . alot of shouting is heard but the loudest person bing a little jappanese guy at the front . "a jazz chord " says the lil fella .. so steve is impressed with this because jazz is his passion and the stuff he puts out on label is just for selling albums .. so steve sits down at his piano and lets goes down the scale of G and does a great lil bit of improv for a minute or so .. happy with that he asks are there any more requests .only to hear the same vioce shouting "a jazz chord" a bit miffed but still persistant in pleasing the guy he shouts to his band to play in b sharp and they do a fantastic 3 minute jazz peice .. only for stevie to yet again here that same vioce shout "a jazz chord " . stevie mightly pissed off with this by now shouts to the guy .. "ok then u show me what u want " the lil fella jumps on stage ripping the mic from stevies hand and begins to sing " a jazz chord to say i ruv you .i jazz chord to say how much i care ................

[quote=picklemonkey]A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically.'

"Easy," says his father. "First, ask Mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy runs off, then comes back and says "She said yes."

"Now go ask your sister the same question." advises the father

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, "She said yes."

"So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars," replies the father. "But, realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."[/quote]

:lol:

f****** hilarious man....tnx, my noon is getting better now :D

A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and waved hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Good grief" he says "Are you the stripper from my stag party? The one I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friend whipped me with wet celery?" "No" she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"

[quote=shosh]A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and waved hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful. "Good grief" he says "Are you the stripper from my stag party? The one I had sex with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your friend whipped me with wet celery?" "No" she replies coldly, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"[/quote] :lol:

him: "Oh. you're brandon's english teacher? :oops: " her: "no, I'm josh's english teacher..." him: "oh. you must be thinking of someone else" ...and neeeever show your face at that school again

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

SO..............................................................

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'................BE HAPPY

^ :ROFLMAO:

should've said "make me the only gorgeous person in this line"

Re: Today's Funnies

Rumsfeld is about to give Bush his briefing on the current situation in Iraq but bush interupts and asks GWB : how many died yesterday DR : 2 brazilians GWB : What .. ooooo no, that's it pull our troops out DR : over two brazilians! get a grip we are getting things under control GWB : there has been enough slaughter already wev'e done our best now get our boys out of there DR : I think ure bing hasty sir we should hang in a bit longer GWB : Too many lives have been lost already ..( bush stops to think )

GWB : Donald how many thousands are there in a brazillion?

Re: Today's Funnies

did you hear the one about the two antennas that got married???

the reception was terrific.

(rimshot here)

Re: Today's Funnies

[quote=buckman]A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."[/quote]

14 - 2

Re: Today's Funnies

:CrackUp: :CrackUp: :CrackUp: :CrackUp:

Re: Today's Funnies

[quote=bart_smastard]Rumsfeld is about to give Bush his briefing on the current situation in Iraq but bush interupts and asks GWB : how many died yesterday DR : 2 brazilians GWB : What .. ooooo no, that's it pull our troops out DR : over two brazilians! get a grip we are getting things under control GWB : there has been enough slaughter already wev'e done our best now get our boys out of there DR : I think ure bing hasty sir we should hang in a bit longer GWB : Too many lives have been lost already ..( bush stops to think )

GWB : Donald how many thousands are there in a brazillion?[/quote]

I beat you to it...:p

[URL="http://www.mercuryserver.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18622"]http://www.mercuryserver.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18622[/URL]

Re: Today's Funnies

Someone was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm. A girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then. When she realized what she said her face became red with embarrasment. Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the back of your throat.

Chris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Re: Today's Funnies

[FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2] He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]in bed.[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2] He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you.[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]strong, honey. I love you".[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2] To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong honey.[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT][FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]I love you, too."[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE] [/FONT]

Re: Today's Funnies

Ok, for all those non Brits on here, girls from Essex (an area in the UK near london) have a well known reputation for being dumb and slags:

[FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise

[FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

[FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her: "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!

"It's not just one car!"said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!

[FONT=Courier New][SIZE=2]An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed. Sharon: Ok Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down

:D

[/SIZE][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT] [/SIZE][/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

Re: Today's Funnies

i didnt read the dates, thought it was a new thread, and saw patakys post, i thought he was back :lol:

funny jokes, must have missed this thread the first time