Two Timing Creep

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!" :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

:lol: That rocks!!!

Re: Joke of the day

He is my hero, I can't wait to be 90 and do that.

Re: Joke of the day

nice one :lol: :lol:

a contribution

[b]blatantly stolen from elsewhere[/b]

HER DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

England lost to France. Absolutely Gutted. Got a shag though

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=peloquin]nice one :lol: :lol:

a contribution

[b]blatantly stolen from elsewhere[/b]

HER DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

England lost to France. Absolutely Gutted. Got a shag though[/quote] :CrackUp:

Re: Joke of the day

funny as shit... nothing like an old bitch w/ parkinsons

Re: Joke of the day

just heard these on Saturday Night Live:

mexicans and cue balls are both the same--the more you hit them, the more english they pick up

a black & a mexican are in a car. who's driving? [quote=highlight for the answer--------][color=white]a cop[/color][/quote]

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=picklemonkey]just heard these on Saturday Night Live:

mexicans and cue balls are both the same--the more you hit them, the more english they pick up

a black & a mexican are in a car. who's driving? [quote=highlight for the answer--------][color=white]a cop[/color][/quote][/quote]

YES! Those owned. :lol:

Re: Joke of the day

Irish man catches his kid snorting coke in the kitchen. He says " If i catch you doing that again you little bastrad I`ll rub your nose in it"

Re: Joke of the day

LOL!! :P

Re: Joke of the day

[quote=maddlingo]Two Timing Creep

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!" :lol:[/quote] that is pure gold man, best joke i heard for some time :Bounce:

Re: Joke of the day

v.good