am i in? i've babbled before about the losses of friends in the month of feburary as well as the last half of my life. close to, if not more than 20 in the last 16 yrs. it's fucking with my head, and yea i've been hitting the sauce tonite! i can't get past the first 10 minutes of a thomas schumacher set from last month. maybe it's b/c i can't get hold of anyone to talk to in person. i think about the loss of jibs as well as my old roomate this week and it just doesn't sit well with me. i lost my faith in a god or a religion a long time ago and despite that i've always tried to keep a positive point of view about life! for a long time i've believed in reincarnation, the idea that we have souls that walk a path towards greater understanding, stepping forward or backwards as they go. but thinking about the loss of those two and i see no reason for that progression. i couple the two of them with someone i lost when i was 16 and all i feel is anger! i shouldn't, and i know a lot of it is the alcohol, but i feel a loss i haven't felt in a long time. i'm NOT suicidal, so please don't get the wrong idea. i was once like that and i can honestly say it, I AM NOT THERE! i've just spent so much time in my life trying to feel right or even content in the world! and for a long time life has bored me, it just does. and honestly, until i met the ms group at the meetup, i've never been one to open up to others. i'm babbling now b/c i guess i feel i can do so amongst people that know the part of me that matters most to me, but things are just eating at me right now. i can't get no sleep! as the track goes, and that's something i really need right now, but the head won't turn off. i've been rambling for a while now, and after looking at this i don't want to post this in GYY as the board has had to much to deal with as of late. the majority of me wants to delete this all together, but part of me feels that venting and leaving it out there will be better.

VENT/RANT OFF!!!!

this doesn't belong here

Re: what state of mind...

I hope you feel better as the day goes on. Know there is light everywhere and it is all around us. This light wants you to be happy. I know it is hard at times but remember that if everything were easy we would never change or grow. Sounds to me like you are growing in some form or another. Take care.

some love your way,

philip

Re: what state of mind...

Hang in there Bender. I know you've been having a rough few months, but know you aren't alone. I am sure I can speak for everyone on this site to say we are all here for you if you need to vent, etc.

As Philip said, try to find some light in all the darkness around you and focus on that. Think of the good memories that you have and use them to help you.

If you need someone to talk or vent to, PM me anytime. I also have AIM and MSN if that is easier...

hug

Re: what state of mind...

As much as I'm scared of saying it, if you need a change of scenery, just come up here and stay with me.

Re: what state of mind...

I understand how you feel. All I can tell you is to rely on your friends. They can be amazing! If there is anything I can do please let me know. And I truly do believe there is a light, it just gets dim sometimes.

Much Love

Em

Re: what state of mind...

I'm going through pretty much the same thing, Bender.. Every morning when I wake up, and look around my apartment, it doesn't seem real, like it is just an empty space...I see the people around me laughing and having a good time, and I wonder if it is just a cruel joke, because I am not laughing or having a good time.. I try to talk to my family about it, but they just tell me to toughen up, or they tell me it's all in my head...It's not fair.. I recently had a girl break up with me because she said I was "damaged"....She pretty much threw me away because I was defective, IMO...

If you haven't seen a therapist, maybe now would be a good time to do so...I'm very skeptical of the whole therapy thing, but it helps a little...Also, cutting back on the drinking will help you tremendously, trust me..It got to a point where I was scared to even have alcohol in my house for fear that I would down the whole bottle along with all my pills. Scary stuff when you just don't know if you will even wake up the next morning.

A half a dozen different prescriptions later, I'm still not back to where I used to be; happy, confident, and pushing forward with my dreams....I'm still stuck, and all I want to do is sleep and hope that when I wake up, everything is better. Wishful thinking...

Get help dude. Shoot me a pm if you need some support. I'll be glad to listen and help.

Re: what state of mind...

^^ Lilsensa said it.

Talk to people. We all go through this sort of thing at some time or another to varying degrees and the one thing that is 100% guaranteed to fuck you up is if you think you're best to deal with it all alone - you're not! People understand more than you imagine maybe so share how you feel with someone you feel comfortable talking to (even if it's a stranger) and it will help more than you're letting yourself believe right now. Pm Lil, me or one of the many other people here who care about you and bit by bit things can get better - believe.....

Re: what state of mind...

this may sound crazy but this has helped me through tough times...

read a book - "The Ways of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Miliman.

Re: what state of mind...

I completely understand what you guys are saying. The only thing I would say is that rather than doing something stupid you wont have a chance to regret, try changing shit around radically. I always said and I stand by it...if I ever get truly down...I am just gonna sell everything I own and go traveling. I think radical change in life can be good, can act as a healing tool and a way for one to get to know himself. I know it kinda sounds crazy but I spent some time alone in isolation purposefully in order to toughen up mentally. I read Nietzsche...I kinda gave up everything to understand what I had and what I can have. It made me appreciate the few friends I have and the good times I had and can have again. I am not religious in any remote way and never really was but I do appreciate the finer things in life and I think that they are enough of a reason to live. I think each of us has to find his own way and own reasons for existence. I hope this helps in some way at least in a sense to let you know that your not the only one searching for meaning. Keep your head up mate.

Re: what state of mind...

^ thats easy for you to say since your only 21 and still young but IMHO it ain't that simple and I highly don't recommend it especially if you have a spouse, family, career, etc. etc. I assume your still single with no attachments or family obligations.

Re: what state of mind...

^ also, going to see a professional like LilSensa said wouldn't hurt either.

Re: what state of mind...

^^And don't expect to find one that you like on the first try either...I've liked about 1/11th of the psych's i've seen, and I'm still not sure if I like my current one. Good luck dude.

Re: what state of mind...

[quote=scifi pi;713215]^ thats easy for you to say since your only 21 and still young but IMHO it ain't that simple and I highly don't recommend it especially if you have a spouse, family, career, etc. etc. I assume your still single with no attachments or family obligations.[/quote]

I am sure if you do what you need to do to yourself into a mentally stable position...your family and anyone who cares about you will understand. If you fail to tidy yourself up you will end up blaming all your problems on your family...Furthermore anything including failing to fulfill you obligations is better than the alternative.

Re: what state of mind...

^ The product of youth, Ignorance is Bliss.

Re: what state of mind...

i don't understand you for real...you are arguing better end it all or live your life in a state of despair and self pity than change shit around and find something worth living for???

Re: what state of mind...

^^Highly doubt he is for one ending their life.

Re: what state of mind...

Been there guys and I know it's a struggle. It seems the older you get it's easy to think "Is this all there is?" The same routine everyday, the stress of everything can be overwhelming. I lived my life afraid of everyhting, especially being a father.I don't look ahead or dwell in the past, live life one moment at a time. Also I wrote my ideas & thoughts in a journal, made lists of what I was grateful for and stopped drinking and doing drugs. i think it's all about perspective and if I'm looking at things negatively, then those will be my feelings. And defo find some people who have been through or are going through the same feelings. I began to take an interest in spirituality also. I know it's not for everyone but helped me in ways I can't even begin to describe. Take care guys and keep talking about. Peace Jeff

Re: what state of mind...

[QUOTE=Shpira;713319]i don't understand you for real...you are arguing better end it all or live your life in a state of despair and self pity than change shit around and find something worth living for???[/QUOTE]

dude, you need a mental enema....

its like "you don't even know that you don't even know"....

Re: what state of mind...

[quote=scifi pi;713408]dude, you need a mental enema....

its like "you don't even know that you don't even know"....[/quote]

Yeah your right. I don't know why I bother posting back. . .Have fun.

Re: what state of mind...

"What's the purpose of life?" - the question sentient homo sapiens have been wondering as long as any other single question. In a religion dominated society, that answer is usually submission to a higher power with the philosophy of do good things and good things will happen but certainly there are enough examples of bad things happening to good people that spoil that adage.

I think the purpose is what you put in it. Consumer culture has turned most of us into empty shells that value what we have over what we are, certainly hard to swim against that stream without going mad. Until I met my wife a couple of years ago I felt really empty as a person. I had great friends, pretty good job, enough disposable income to travel and do the things I wanted yet I had a real empty hole that booze and all too often drugs were not filling up, just making the hole deeper.

I got really tired of the person I was, there did not seem to be a whole lot of meaning in being Epicurean (eat, drink and be merry). I've tried to be a better person, son, brother and friend, trying hard to give up all those selfish tendencies. Meeting my wife and sharing my life has been the biggest turn around for that. Now that we are expecting our first child I'm forced to realize how much further I have to go but life is the journey, not the destination.

I've always been a very closed individual emotionally, cold would be a fair description at times. For someone that feels things on more emotional levels, I couldnt imagine how much harder life can be. There is so much bad that happens, so much negativity albeit a majority of those feelings are generated by societies ills (greed, media, inhumanity). Sometimes life can seem like a shit hole but if you can only step back and look, the world is a beautiful place with infinite possibilites. Life and how you chose to live it is ultimately a your choice, feel blessed you even have opportunities, that you live in a society where you (for the most part) make your own decisions.

Let the demons of the past stay there, tomorrow always offers the opportunity to be better than today. Take pleasure in the simple things, like coffee and beignets at Cafe du Monde :lol: At least think about the good as much as or more than you think about the bad.

Shpira does have a good point about getting out of your element to find yourself. I've grown more as a person in the seven years since I've left LA than the 27 I spent there. Something about the way pine trees block every thing that just make that place feel like it closes in on you. Just being able to see the horizon is something that lightens my spirit, it is the small things sometimes that make the biggest difference. Hang in there, when you are a good person you will find your way or your way might just find you.

George Carlin succinctly summed it up, "Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things."

Re: what state of mind...

making drastic changes is ALWAYS an option to better your life and mental well being

NOT making changes and making excuses as to why you cant is what keeps you where you are mentally and emotionally

Re: what state of mind...

Change is inevitable and one should welcome it with open arms. IMHO blatantly selling off your stuff and dumping everything around you is running from your issues rather than confronting them face on. Probably the most common mistake everyone makes when they are young. A huge mistake IMHO. It will only catch up to you and your issues and problems will only fester and get worse. "Cutting and running" doesn't solve anything.

Re: what state of mind...

I think his post is getting misconstrued thats all :)

I wouldnt view that as running away if it is feasable for you in your life. Getting away and travelling isnt the same as running away, iMho ;)

but if problems are that bad, then yeah, therapy is the answer

Re: what state of mind...

[quote=scifi pi;713751]Change is inevitable and one should welcome it with open arms. IMHO blatantly selling off your stuff and dumping everything around you is running from your issues rather than confronting them face on. Probably the most common mistake everyone makes when they are young. A huge mistake IMHO. It will only catch up to you and your issues and problems will only fester and get worse. "Cutting and running" doesn't solve anything.[/quote]

Thats not what I meant by drastically changing things around. Your problems will always follow you; that is true for all unless the cause of your problems get dumped as well. If you are generally unhappy and are searching for meaning you will not find it by continuing your everyday routine. My argument is that its necessary to take a pro-active stance in life not a reactive one. Each of us needs to search for fulfillment and more likely than not none of us will find true fulfillment but at least we will be happy in the search. Life is a journey not a destination...as corny as that may sound that is true. Basically this is what I meant...If you are unhappy about your job, quit. Its not the end of the world...if you are unhappy with where you live move, if you are unhappy with your friends go out and meet new people...take that leap. People waste too much energy on despair when that energy could be utilized for more constructive things. I guess my main point would be that no matter how bad things might get, no matter how bleak the outlook may be if you put your head down and concentrate on some goals you can always improve your situation. Slowly but surly your life can change for the better....no point giving up and ending it or joining the masses in a bleak and fruitless existence. When I said sell your stuff and move I didn't mean move in order run away from your problems...You will always have problems no matter where you go, the thing is to make sure that overcoming those problems is ultimately worth it. If you feel that you are using up too much energy on something that is ultimately not worth it is the thing that gets ME down and in such a case IMO changing shit around or moving on is the best thing to do.

I have no problem with putting in work in order to get my fair dues as I imagine none of you have. It is when I put in the work and get nothing in return that gets me down and makes me wonder about the point of it all.

Thats all I will say on the subject. I think each of us needs to find his own way. In my personal experiance therapy doesn't work...I know it has helped some ppl but for me ultimatly it is pointless. I find that the way to a place of mental stability is a dificult path of constant self questioning and self analysis i.e. questioning one's own motives and desires. Each of us needs to understand who we are, why we are that way i.e. what things in our past made us that way and confront those things. Each of us needs to disolve our own identity and recrate it in a way that would improve not only our lives but the lives of those we hold dear to us otherwise we will never be happy or find true meaning. Thats my oppinion anyway...you can disagree but I have found it to be true in more ways than one.

Re: what state of mind...

p.s. by changing my life around I ended up discovering progressive house and meeting a guy who is now one of my best friends. The fiirst house party I went to was by chance a six hour set with John Digweed to which that friend took me and for which I am eternally grateful. For me those two thing filled a void deep inside I never knew existed.

Re: what state of mind...

first of all, thank you to everyone for your thoughts and support!

secondly, the reasons for my post was b/c i'm frustrustrated on a few levels. i haven't worked on a film in new orleans since july due to several circumstances completely out of my hands. b/c of that i've been driving back to the town i grewup in which is 3 hrs from nola ( new orleans ) to work with my dad whose a plumbing contractor. so basically i've been living there in order to pay rent in nola. on top of that, i don't have many really close friends there anymore plus there is absolutley nothing to do there. so i work and then shut myself up in my room doing nothing. also, b/c money has been very tight so i really couldn't afford to do anything anyway. on top of that, my mother and i have a rocky relationship at best and coupled with the fact that b/c of a cronic back problem for the last 20+ yrs, she's an even harder person to get along with. and over the last few yrs she's become increasingly hard on my father which adds to my frustration as well as makes everything in the house more of a headache! so i basically drive back and forth to nola every weekend just to sleep in my own bed and have a little time to myself. all of this has led to me drinking a lot more on weekends than usual. for the last few months it seems like i've been drunk one half of the weekend and hungover the other half. add all of that to the fact that i'm 33 and since i was 16 i've buried close to 20 friends! THAT'S JUST FUCKED!!! it's just hard to understand and make any sense of things. add all of those ingredient together and pour in a large dose of alcohol and i couldn't sleep b/c my head wouldn't shut off and i just needed to vent. i didn't have anybody to talk to and that's why i posted here. the best thing about this board is that there are all these differing points of view and experiences and everybody is willing to share a piece of themselves for the help of others here.

thirdly, just as i just now stated, different things work for different people! so scifi pi and shpira thank you both for your thoughts, but please understand there is no absolute right answer to life. both of you have good thoughts on it, and age hasn't got much to do with it. many times in my life i've taken a step back to reevalute my life. and it's something that's worked for me.

fourthly, i've just started a workout program that is adding a lot of structure to my life at the moment and i've always liked exercising as a way to release stress. and that will cut back my boozin to a much better level. this past weekend was Mardi Gras so i knew i'd be hitting the sauce pretty hard. just wait til you see the pics and video's that clintlove will post!

lastly, please understand that i'm not in danger of doing something stupid! i just needed to vent and i did. it felt good to say something. so again thanks for all the thoughts, esp. kamal and steve for the texts. i'm glad more and more that clint and i crashed the p-cola meetup!:D

best wishes and much respect to the people of Mercury Server!!!

Jamey

Re: what state of mind...

Yo Jamey - I met you briefly but you probably don't remember me since most of you were "bent" at last year's meet-up. If you ever need to get away, your welcome to come to Pensacola and hang out, no special event required. Its just as far from NOLA as your hometown and their are many of us FSM'ers that you can stay with at no cost and no obligations. You can vent and rant in person, sometimes thats alot better and easier than having to do it online and in front of a computer.

and Shpira - great words and insight. And I apologize if I offended you - that was not my intention.

Re: what state of mind...

thanks Olivier! yea, i remember you from the sunday bbq and again in november for the memorial at jelly. clint and i are gonna try to make the island shindig in april.

Re: what state of mind...

@ scifi pi No problem man we are all free to express our opinions here...I didn't get offended I just felt unappreciated there for a couple of minutes :) @ Bender Glad to see your mood improving man...I was gonna suggest working out and setting up/maintaining some structure in life, a kind of timetable...that always ends up getting me out of a rut but I wasn't sure if your into working out.

Re: what state of mind...

Jamey, you know you are always welcome here. As you know we are very close knit here and we take care of each other. You, as I hope you know are included in that group.

E

Re: what state of mind...

[QUOTE=Bender420;713779]first of all, thank you to everyone for your thoughts and support!

secondly, the reasons for my post was b/c i'm frustrustrated on a few levels. i haven't worked on a film in new orleans since july due to several circumstances completely out of my hands. b/c of that i've been driving back to the town i grewup in which is 3 hrs from nola ( new orleans ) to work with my dad whose a plumbing contractor. so basically i've been living there in order to pay rent in nola. on top of that, i don't have many really close friends there anymore plus there is absolutley nothing to do there. so i work and then shut myself up in my room doing nothing. also, b/c money has been very tight so i really couldn't afford to do anything anyway. on top of that, my mother and i have a rocky relationship at best and coupled with the fact that b/c of a cronic back problem for the last 20+ yrs, she's an even harder person to get along with. and over the last few yrs she's become increasingly hard on my father which adds to my frustration as well as makes everything in the house more of a headache! so i basically drive back and forth to nola every weekend just to sleep in my own bed and have a little time to myself. all of this has led to me drinking a lot more on weekends than usual. for the last few months it seems like i've been drunk one half of the weekend and hungover the other half. add all of that to the fact that i'm 33 and since i was 16 i've buried close to 20 friends! THAT'S JUST FUCKED!!! it's just hard to understand and make any sense of things. add all of those ingredient together and pour in a large dose of alcohol and i couldn't sleep b/c my head wouldn't shut off and i just needed to vent. i didn't have anybody to talk to and that's why i posted here. the best thing about this board is that there are all these differing points of view and experiences and everybody is willing to share a piece of themselves for the help of others here.

thirdly, just as i just now stated, different things work for different people! so scifi pi and shpira thank you both for your thoughts, but please understand there is no absolute right answer to life. both of you have good thoughts on it, and age hasn't got much to do with it. many times in my life i've taken a step back to reevalute my life. and it's something that's worked for me.

fourthly, i've just started a workout program that is adding a lot of structure to my life at the moment and i've always liked exercising as a way to release stress. and that will cut back my boozin to a much better level. this past weekend was Mardi Gras so i knew i'd be hitting the sauce pretty hard. just wait til you see the pics and video's that clintlove will post!

lastly, please understand that i'm not in danger of doing something stupid! i just needed to vent and i did. it felt good to say something. so again thanks for all the thoughts, esp. kamal and steve for the texts. i'm glad more and more that clint and i crashed the p-cola meetup!:D

best wishes and much respect to the people of Mercury Server!!!

Jamey[/QUOTE]

fuck Jamey that just kills me to read this man :(

Re: what state of mind...

Hang in there Jamey! xo

I hope some of the changes you are making help out. And if you need a place to escape to for a bit, you have lots of options...you can even come to Canada if you want :)

Re: what state of mind...

or the west coast, your welcome to cruise out here anytime J. ;)

Re: what state of mind...

thanks again guys! like i said, i just needed to vent and felt comfortable coming here to do it. and it's made a huge difference putting everything outthere. i appreciate the offers to visit and when the time comes that i can i'll probably take some of you up on it.

Re: what state of mind...

[QUOTE=Bender420;714105]thanks again guys! like i said, i just needed to vent and felt comfortable coming here to do it. and it's made a huge difference putting everything outthere. i appreciate the offers to visit and when the time comes that i can i'll [U][B]probably[/B][/U] take some of you up on it.[/QUOTE]

there's no "probably" as far as I am concerned, you just tell me when and I'll see you at the airport.

Of course if you plan to drive, I'll probably put my lazy ass into gear and mail you that updated Navi DVD I haven't gotten around to burning / mailing you.

Re: what state of mind...

[quote=Bender420;714105]thanks again guys! like i said, i just needed to vent and felt comfortable coming here to do it. and it's made a huge difference putting everything outthere. i appreciate the offers to visit and when the time comes that i can i'll probably take some of you up on it.[/quote]

maybe next mardi gras everone'll come to you???:lol:

Re: what state of mind...

nah, he can come to us

Re: what state of mind...

who would want to go to tampa for mardi gras?

Re: what state of mind...

I meant in general, twat lol

Re: what state of mind...

[quote=Steve Graham;714136]nah, he can come to us[/quote]

fair enough - i thought everyone got their tits out at mardi gras though? urban myth?